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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews

CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews. “This post was about to go live when I realized that shoehorning the word ‘millennials’ into both the header and the lede somewhere would probably double the number of eyeballs we get on it, so I sent it back to the section editor for another pass,” senior editor Jeffrey Gein told reporters, noting that though the 400-word article concerning new workplace regulations has no connection whatsoever to the millennial demographic, he was nonetheless able to make the attractive, eye-catching term the first word in the headline. “Sometimes we’ll be having a pretty slow day, so I’ll toss a few ‘millennials’ into our feed so that we drum up some traffic. Of course, sometimes I’ll just do that anyway. As long as we get those click-throughs, I’m happy.” At press time, Gein had managed to garner even more pageviews for the post by shrewdly squeezing the terms “controversial,” “viral,” and “you won’t believe” into the headline as well.

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