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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews

CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews. “This post was about to go live when I realized that shoehorning the word ‘millennials’ into both the header and the lede somewhere would probably double the number of eyeballs we get on it, so I sent it back to the section editor for another pass,” senior editor Jeffrey Gein told reporters, noting that though the 400-word article concerning new workplace regulations has no connection whatsoever to the millennial demographic, he was nonetheless able to make the attractive, eye-catching term the first word in the headline. “Sometimes we’ll be having a pretty slow day, so I’ll toss a few ‘millennials’ into our feed so that we drum up some traffic. Of course, sometimes I’ll just do that anyway. As long as we get those click-throughs, I’m happy.” At press time, Gein had managed to garner even more pageviews for the post by shrewdly squeezing the terms “controversial,” “viral,” and “you won’t believe” into the headline as well.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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