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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Word 'Presumptive' Prepares For Another 4-Year Hibernation

WASHINGTON—As the leaves begin to turn and another election season draws to a close, the term "presumptive" has once again readied itself for a four-year repose in obscurity and restful slumber. Plucked from the recesses of the English language to serve for the brief but heady interval between the first presidential primaries and the party nominating conventions, the elegant adjective has toiled earnestly these past nine months, scurrying through the lips and pens of journalists the world over, and shall now retire for a spell, far from the public eye. "Go now, you gentle political buzzword," CNN political correspondent John King said. "See you in 2012, when our paths be fit to cross again." King also noted the recent delightful retreat of the word "incumbent," whose haughty three-syllable form plagues our election coverage every two years.

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