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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible

TROY, NY—A word search puzzle featured on the back of a Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats box is just about fucking impossible, local man Glenn McCurdy confirmed Thursday. “Jesus Christ, why can’t I fucking do this?” said McCurdy, 34, referring to the impenetrable 10-letter by 10-letter grid, which reportedly includes such words as “breakfast,” “milk,” and “fun.” “I’ve been at it for almost an hour, and even the ones I got were some kind of fucking miracles. I mean, it looks like some of these words are in there backwards. Who the hell do they think I am? Bill fucking Gates?” At press time, a frustrated McCurdy had torn apart the cereal box to access the answers printed on the inside.

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