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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible

TROY, NY—A word search puzzle featured on the back of a Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats box is just about fucking impossible, local man Glenn McCurdy confirmed Thursday. “Jesus Christ, why can’t I fucking do this?” said McCurdy, 34, referring to the impenetrable 10-letter by 10-letter grid, which reportedly includes such words as “breakfast,” “milk,” and “fun.” “I’ve been at it for almost an hour, and even the ones I got were some kind of fucking miracles. I mean, it looks like some of these words are in there backwards. Who the hell do they think I am? Bill fucking Gates?” At press time, a frustrated McCurdy had torn apart the cereal box to access the answers printed on the inside.

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