Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Work Friend Accidentally Becomes Real Friend

Phipps inexplicably found himself planning to see a movie with Jenkins, a gesture typically reserved for real friends.
Phipps inexplicably found himself planning to see a movie with Jenkins, a gesture typically reserved for real friends.

ATLANTA—Despite making no deliberate efforts to engage with his coworker beyond the point of pleasant acquaintance, Eric Phipps said Thursday he was astonished to discover he had inadvertently forged a personal bond with fellow web developer Michael Jenkins.

Phipps, 31, told reporters that the interactions with his coworker, which for two years had been confined to job-related matters and breezy small talk, first took an unplanned turn toward authentic friendship this past March. According to Phipps, he and Jenkins happened to leave the office at the same time one day and decided to kill half an hour at a nearby bar before heading off to separate evening engagements.

"I figured we'd just talk about work stuff for a little bit and then be on our way," said Phipps, adding that he wasn't even sure at the time if Jenkins drank. "But next thing I knew, he was telling me about the problems he's having with his pool, and I was promising to lend him my copy of The Wild Bunch."

"And the bizarre thing is, I was legitimately enjoying myself," added Phipps, citing his coworker's intelligence and sense of humor as well as the surprising abundance of interests they shared. "How did this happen?"

While Phipps assumed that his collegial but limited relationship with Jenkins would resume once they were back at the office, he soon realized it would be impossible to interact with his coworker in the surface-level, noncommittal way he was accustomed to.

†"It's like everything had shifted," Phipps said. "All of a sudden, I was stopping by his cubicle to ask about his woodworking project, and he was at mine giving me the name of a good chiropractor my sister should try for her back spasms. Then somehow I suddenly had his personal e-mail address."

Even as long lunches with Jenkins became an everyday activity, Phipps told reporters he never expected their camaraderie to extend past the "best friend at the office" level. But that barrier was shattered last Thursday, when Phipps' neighborhood softball team needed an extra player for their weekend game.

"I got a call from the captain asking if I knew anyone who could sub in, and before I could stop myself, I told him I had a buddy who used to play in college," said Phipps, referring to the man he once knew only as "polo-shirt guy." "I called him my buddy. I didn't say 'coworker' or even 'buddy from work.' I said buddy. That's something you say about an actual friend."

It was perhaps that escalation, Phipps acknowledged, that cleared the path for Jenkins to invite him to a barbecue a couple of weeks later—an event whose guests did not include any other coworkers. Not until he was bouncing Jenkins' 4-year-old daughter on his knee did Phipps realize the full impact of the unintentional befriending.

"No going back now," Phipps said. "There's been talk of carpooling, and he mentioned a cabin he owns near a good fishing spot. He'll probably end up being godfather to one of my kids."

When reached for comment, Jenkins readily acknowledged his relationship with Phipps.

"Yeah, Phippsy's a great guy," Jenkins said. "Though he tends to over think things."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.