adBlockCheck

Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends

Top Headlines

Local

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends

CHICAGO—Following a party celebrating her 26th birthday Saturday, a disappointed Kristin Thennes reported that her friends from work failed to mingle with her other friends.

Three of Thennes' coworkers keep to themselves.

"I was really hoping that my work friends would hit it off with everybody else," said Thennes, a budget administrator at Loyola University Medical School. "But the six of them just sort of kept to themselves the whole night. I felt like a terrible host."

The six coworkers invited to the party arrived in a group at approximately 8:45 p.m. Rather than socialize with the 20 or so guests already present, they huddled together near the front window of the living room of Thennes' Andersonville apartment.

"Maybe I'm being a little paranoid, but Kristin's work friends didn't seem to like us," said Laura Romo, 25, an old college friend and Thennes' former roommate. "I mean, they weren't hostile or anything, but they definitely kept their own little circle the entire time."

The coworkers' precious few interactions with the others were brief and occurred only at moments of forced proximity, such as when getting drinks at the bar or waiting in line for the bathroom. Even during these moments, few words were exchanged, with encounters limited to fleeting eye contact and tense smiles.

"They seemed a little older than everyone else at the party," Romo said. "Or maybe they just seemed that way because they were, like, a little stiff and dressed sort of dorky. Everyone else was all casual in jeans, but the work friends were wearing Dockers and stuff. I'm guessing most of them probably live in the suburbs."

Thennes has worked at Loyola's medical school since 1999. During her time there, she has formed many close ties with coworkers, in spite of their lack of common backgrounds. Thennes' closest work friend is Denise Schukal, 29, who commutes to work from her condominium in the Chicago suburb of Rolling Meadows. Schukal, whose husband Jeff stayed home with their 15-month-old daughter while she attended the party, was among the non-minglers.

"Kristin's friends were all really nice," Schukal said. "I didn't get a chance to meet many of them, but they all seemed cool."

Thennes attempted to get her work friends to interact with the others, but to no avail.

"I tried pairing up people who might hit it off," Thennes said. "Like, I introduced Harold, my work movie-geek friend, to Emily, my college movie-geek friend. But after exchanging a few brief words about how they both really liked Gosford Park, they just sort of retreated to their original spots. I thought they'd have been a sure thing. What more could I have done?"

Traci Kessler, a longtime friend of Thennes' who knew no one else at the party, was unable to infiltrate the work-friends circle.

"I got on great with Jen's old college buds and a bunch of the other people there," said Kessler, who met Thennes in 1995 in a yoga class. "But when I went into the living room to meet all her work friends, they were all just talking about office stuff. After about two minutes of that, I had to go back to the kitchen. I was like, forget it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close