adBlockCheck

Marketing

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
End Of Section
  • More News

Marketing

Work Life, Personal Life Both Spent Desperately Trying To Appeal To Women 18 To 34

CHICAGO—Explaining that he’s always trying out new tactics and carefully crafted phrases in an effort to connect with members of the demographic group, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Rob Benson spends the majority of both his work and personal life desperately attempting to appeal to women 18 to 34 years old. Those close to the advertising agency copywriter stated that, whether he’s at his desk in his cubicle between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., or out of the office at night or on the weekend, Benson’s time and efforts are almost exclusively directed toward cultivating an aesthetic and particular style of messaging that make a lasting impression on young women. Moreover, the 30-year-old is said to stare singlemindedly at his work computer or his iPhone for hours at a time, frenziedly studying the behaviors of 18-to-34-year-old women and attempting to devise specific lines that he can employ via social media that will resonate with them on a personal level. At press time, sources confirmed that Benson had taken a brief break from a work project intended to engage with recent female college graduates to head over to his office’s receptionist desk and try to engage with a recent female college graduate.

Marketing

More from this section

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close