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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Worker Told To Have Fun Operating Shake Machine

SACRAMENTO, CA—Moments before being left in charge of the four-flavor Freez-King™ shake machine at the Folsom Boulevard Arby's Monday, recent hire Felicia Alexander was told to have fun. "Knock yourself out," shift manager Barry Rundell said to Alexander at the beginning of lunch rush. "Just remember to give the Jamocha lever a little wiggle if it gets stuck. Other than that, bombs away." Rundell has previously instructed trainees to "go nuts" at the deep fryer, "indulge yourself" mopping spilled soda off the floor in the dining area, and "have a gay springtime carnival" wiping vomit off the seat of the men's-room toilet.

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