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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Worker Told To Have Fun Operating Shake Machine

SACRAMENTO, CA—Moments before being left in charge of the four-flavor Freez-King™ shake machine at the Folsom Boulevard Arby's Monday, recent hire Felicia Alexander was told to have fun. "Knock yourself out," shift manager Barry Rundell said to Alexander at the beginning of lunch rush. "Just remember to give the Jamocha lever a little wiggle if it gets stuck. Other than that, bombs away." Rundell has previously instructed trainees to "go nuts" at the deep fryer, "indulge yourself" mopping spilled soda off the floor in the dining area, and "have a gay springtime carnival" wiping vomit off the seat of the men's-room toilet.

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