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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Working Artist Has Developed Thick Skin For Sound Career Advice

RICHMOND, VA—Refusing to let constructive, practical advice get him down, painter-sculptor Marcus Chilton told reporters Wednesday that he has developed pretty thick skin for the countless pieces of sound career guidance that friends and family have attempted to give him over the last five years. “To stay focused on your art, you have to just tune people out when they start telling you all the reasonable, highly informed ways you should invest your earnings, start a retirement account, or otherwise supplement your income,” said Chilton, adding that while he initially dwelled on the logical, well-thought-out recommendations others offered him, over time he has gradually become impervious to all helpful suggestions and sensible recommendations. “It’s not easy, but after a while you just have to put on the blinders and shrug off all the insightful advice that, if implemented, would help you live more comfortably and thrive as an artist.” Chilton added that he has also developed a thick skin for people who look at the prices of his artwork, scoff, and then walk out of his studio.

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