WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Last week's mass shooting at Consolidated Services, in which employee Lynn Saint-Sebastian killed seven coworkers and injured 23 before taking her own life, was planned while Saint-Sebastian was still on the clock, according to company sources. "When Lynn turned her anger on us, we saw callous disregard for human life," regional manager Lawrence Guzman said. "But when we found elaborate plans for her armed rampage in her cubicle, we saw her callous disregard for company policy." Consolidated's human-resources staff is working closely with the FBI to determine exactly how many man-hours were lost in the incident.