Workplace Shooting Planned On Company Time

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Vol 42 Issue 22

DHS Cuts New York Defense

The City of New York is up in arms after its Homeland-Security budget was slashed nearly in half. What do you think?

Avoiding The Anti-Christ

A pregnant woman in England is trying to get her hospital to induce labor so the baby will not be born on 6/6/06. What do you think?

May 29, 1993

Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio Show

M.I.A. Denied Visa

British rapper M.I.A. was denied a visa to the U.S., purportedly for her support of the Sri Lankan terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers. What do...
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Workplace Shooting Planned On Company Time

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Last week's mass shooting at Consolidated Services, in which employee Lynn Saint-Sebastian killed seven coworkers and injured 23 before taking her own life, was planned while Saint-Sebastian was still on the clock, according to company sources. "When Lynn turned her anger on us, we saw callous disregard for human life," regional manager Lawrence Guzman said. "But when we found elaborate plans for her armed rampage in her cubicle, we saw her callous disregard for company policy." Consolidated's human-resources staff is working closely with the FBI to determine exactly how many man-hours were lost in the incident.
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