NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them.
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Last week's mass shooting at Consolidated Services, in which employee Lynn Saint-Sebastian killed seven coworkers and injured 23 before taking her own life, was planned while Saint-Sebastian was still on the clock, according to company sources. "When Lynn turned her anger on us, we saw callous disregard for human life," regional manager Lawrence Guzman said. "But when we found elaborate plans for her armed rampage in her cubicle, we saw her callous disregard for company policy." Consolidated's human-resources staff is working closely with the FBI to determine exactly how many man-hours were lost in the incident.