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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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World Cup Inspires Whole New Generation Of Foreign Players To Someday Play For U.S.

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—Following the country’s successful run to the World Cup round of 16 in Brazil, sources confirmed Friday that the tournament has already inspired an entirely new generation of young foreign players to someday play for the U.S. national team. “Just seeing guys like Julian Green and Jermaine Jones made me realize that when I get older, maybe I could figure out a way to become eligible to represent the United States,” said 14-year-old soccer player and Frankfurt, Germany native Martin Köhler, who told reporters that watching the U.S. has motivated him to look into whether one of his grandparents might have been born in America, thereby allowing him to play for the team under FIFA eligibility rules. “Or maybe I could live in the States for five years and then join the U.S. team after playing for Germany at the youth level. It’s a long shot, sure, but then again, there’s no way I’ll be good enough to play for Germany’s senior team, so this will probably be the only way I can go to a World Cup.” Köhler went on to express his confidence that despite his mediocre touch and middling passing ability, he could likely win a spot on the U.S. roster in time for the 2018 World Cup.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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