adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

World Cup Inspires Whole New Generation Of Foreign Players To Someday Play For U.S.

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—Following the country’s successful run to the World Cup round of 16 in Brazil, sources confirmed Friday that the tournament has already inspired an entirely new generation of young foreign players to someday play for the U.S. national team. “Just seeing guys like Julian Green and Jermaine Jones made me realize that when I get older, maybe I could figure out a way to become eligible to represent the United States,” said 14-year-old soccer player and Frankfurt, Germany native Martin Köhler, who told reporters that watching the U.S. has motivated him to look into whether one of his grandparents might have been born in America, thereby allowing him to play for the team under FIFA eligibility rules. “Or maybe I could live in the States for five years and then join the U.S. team after playing for Germany at the youth level. It’s a long shot, sure, but then again, there’s no way I’ll be good enough to play for Germany’s senior team, so this will probably be the only way I can go to a World Cup.” Köhler went on to express his confidence that despite his mediocre touch and middling passing ability, he could likely win a spot on the U.S. roster in time for the 2018 World Cup.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close