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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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World Cup Inspires Whole New Generation Of Foreign Players To Someday Play For U.S.

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—Following the country’s successful run to the World Cup round of 16 in Brazil, sources confirmed Friday that the tournament has already inspired an entirely new generation of young foreign players to someday play for the U.S. national team. “Just seeing guys like Julian Green and Jermaine Jones made me realize that when I get older, maybe I could figure out a way to become eligible to represent the United States,” said 14-year-old soccer player and Frankfurt, Germany native Martin Köhler, who told reporters that watching the U.S. has motivated him to look into whether one of his grandparents might have been born in America, thereby allowing him to play for the team under FIFA eligibility rules. “Or maybe I could live in the States for five years and then join the U.S. team after playing for Germany at the youth level. It’s a long shot, sure, but then again, there’s no way I’ll be good enough to play for Germany’s senior team, so this will probably be the only way I can go to a World Cup.” Köhler went on to express his confidence that despite his mediocre touch and middling passing ability, he could likely win a spot on the U.S. roster in time for the 2018 World Cup.

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