adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

World Doesn't Even Know Who To Admire Anymore After Tom Hanks Murders 5

LOS ANGELES—Millions across the planet expressed astonishment and exasperation earlier today, saying they no longer had any idea who to admire following beloved film actor Tom Hanks’ brutal Wednesday morning murder spree that claimed the lives of five. “Okay, honestly? Tom Hanks now?” said Los Angeles woman Marie Irvine, 43, echoing the voices of millions of human beings worldwide who reported being devastated by recent events like Oscar Pistorius’ murder trial, Lance Armstrong’s doping admission, and new accounts confirming that the Forrest Gump star strangled a family of five in Burbank before sitting down on their couch and calmly waiting for the police to arrive. “I literally don’t know who I’m supposed to look up to and revere at this point. Who are the good, respectable people in the world again? Because I was pretty much down to just Tom Hanks before this happened.” A majority of people reported feeling even more let down by Tom Hanks’ series of homicides considering they had already forgiven the actor for a 2006 drunk driving rampage that killed 12 children.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close