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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death

GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death. “As we compile data going forward, any individual whose death results from a mass shooting, bombing, or any combination of the two will be considered as having succumbed to natural causes,” said WHO director-general Margaret Chan, noting that fatal wounds caused by bullets, shrapnel, and other ricocheting debris would be counted alongside heart disease, organ failure, and other age-associated diseases as natural threats to the human body. “Suffering multiple gunshot wounds or being in the vicinity of a suicide bomber, car bomb, or IED are completely commonplace maladies faced by people of all ages and ethnicities. Statistically, it no longer makes sense for us to include them with accidents, drownings, or any other non-natural causes of death.” Chan added that the organization would launch a campaign aimed at raising awareness among individuals especially at risk of contracting fatal gunfire and explosions, including the young, adults, the elderly, residents in urban and rural areas, and those in both industrialized and impoverished nations.

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