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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’

GENEVA—Amid the spread of the deadly Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS, virus, the World Health Organization announced today that the only known cure for the fatal infection is, for some reason, the debut fragrance from pop star Adam Levine. “After numerous clinical trials involving broad-spectrum antibiotics, antiviral agents, and immunomodulatory therapy, we have concluded that, somehow, none of those treatments proved even remotely as effective as Adam Levine for Men Eau de Toilette and Adam Levine for Women Eau de Parfum,” WHO assistant director-general Keiji Fukuda said of the new cologne from the lead singer of Maroon 5, which is the first known cure for the deadly SARS-like virus beyond supportive medical care. “We can’t explain why; all we know is if you’re traveling to the Arabian Peninsula, we recommend drinking 3-4 oz. a day of the fragrance, or injecting 6 oz. at the first sign of fever, cough, or breathing trouble. Also, we are working around the clock to do something about the smell, but it may not be remediable.” When reached for comment, Levine said that learning his new perfume product provided effective relief from the latest fatal strain of coronavirus was “awesome, man. So cool.”

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