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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner's Job

WASHINGTON, DC—With longtime NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue recently announcing that he will retire in July, political leaders across the globe have taken an uncharacteristic interest in the sport of football, urging one potential candidate—U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice—to accept the high-profile position.

"I have had the…singular…experience of working with Ms. Rice on more than one occasion, and believe she is perfectly suited for this position," said British Prime Minister Tony Blair, one of many prominent political figures who held an impromptu press conference upon hearing that Rice, a longtime football fan, had expressed interest in eventually becoming commissioner. "Although I am in fact ignorant of the particulars of American-style football, I am sure its sporting league is one that Condoleezza is perfectly capable of managing."

Rice had publicly commented several times on her ambition to become commissioner, most notably in a televised interview during the Super Bowl XL pregame show. However, international interest in installing Rice in the position, while always high, peaked last week with the news of Tagliabue's impending retirement.

"We live in uncertain and chaotic times, and America never needed Condoleezza Rice more," Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz said in an international radio address Tuesday. "With radicals in the NFL Player's Association demanding a new collective-bargaining agreement, and instability threatening the very revenue-sharing structure that professional football was built upon, she is clearly a stabilizing figure who must help unify this sport."

Aziz was then called away to deal with escalating nuclear proliferation in the Kashmir region, during which he repeated through his aides that Rice's leadership and diplomacy was desperately needed in professional football.

"Secretary of State Rice owes it to the world to take this bold step forward in her career," said Sonia Gandhi, the president of India's National Congress Party and the widow of former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi. "If she was named commissioner of what I understand is America's favorite sport, it would not just be a great moment for America, but a great moment for women in politics worldwide."

"Ms. Rice would finally be in a position where she could positively impact the lives of millions of Americans," Gandhi added.

Support for Rice's appointment to the NFL commissioner post has poured in to the State Department from prominent statesmen worldwide, including several letters of recommendation from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who has worked closely with Rice since she took over the State Department from Colin Powell; a televised message from Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who has dealt with the U.S. primarily through Rice since his election; affirmations from almost every diplomat Rice met during her recent 10-day trip through Chile, Australia, Samoa, and Indonesia; and a letter co-written and signed by both acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas, prime minister-designate of Palestine.

Although the State Department has not yet officially responded to the overwhelming outpouring of support for Secretary Rice's career change, Rice issued a short, tersely worded statement formally thanking the over 85 diplomats, heads of state, and religious leaders who spoke in her favor on the issue.

In a press conference late Tuesday, however, President Bush announced that he is strongly against Rice leaving her current post, saying that she is a valued Cabinet member who excels at her position, and that "if anyone from this administration should get that job, it should be me."

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