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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

Sources worldwide say they’ll try their best to look at carnage like this and attempt to make some sense of it one last time before they just call it quits.
Sources worldwide say they’ll try their best to look at carnage like this and attempt to make some sense of it one last time before they just call it quits.

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

Visibly exasperated residents from every country around the world told reporters that, after enduring so much similarly horrific shit in recent years, they would give comprehending barbaric acts of violence against innocent civilians and the intensely complex network of factors that motivate them “one more shot” before simply throwing their hands up and giving up entirely.

“Okay, this is it—I swear to God this is the last time I’m going to sit here and try to make some sense of why these things keep happening, why these people are so angry, and what, if anything, we can possibly do to stop them,” said 48-year-old Medford, OR resident Adam Bennett, taking a deep breath and steeling himself for one last effort to gain some insight into this fucking horrible shit. “Look, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to sympathize with the struggles of people in impoverished and war-torn countries. I’ve read about fundamentalist religious beliefs, and even the economic issues that lead to violence. But I still don’t get it, and to be perfectly honest with you, at this point, I don’t know if I ever will.”

“So whatever I learn today is just going to have to do for all the attacks and bombings from here on out, because I’ve had it—I’ve fucking had it,” Bennett continued. “I’m done.”

“The thing is, maybe there isn’t anything to understand at all. Maybe this can’t even be comprehended, no matter how hard we try.”

According to sources, the inhabitants of every one of the world’s nations plan to “give it a few more hours, tops” to figure out geopolitical and religious tensions throughout the Middle East; the continuing destabilizing effects of U.S. wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; the rise and expansion of ISIS; regional turmoil as a result of the Syrian civil war; centuries-long strife between Muslims, Jews, and Christians; centuries-long strife between Sunni and Shiite Muslims; unrest stemming from British and French governments dividing the Middle East into sovereign states during World War I; the vested interests of Western nations in Middle Eastern oil resources; the ongoing radicalization of young Muslims living in the West; and ultimately, what possible psychological conditions could actually lead a person, even under extreme duress, to make the conscious decision to take the lives of so many others who are simply and peacefully going about their daily lives.

Noting repeatedly that they are “sick and fucking tired” of attempting to gain some understanding of this bullshit, citizens of Europe, Africa, North and South America, Australia, and Asia all confirmed that, at this point, they’re willing to sit down and read maybe one or two more articles and opinion pieces on the subject before calling it quits.

Many across the world, however, told reporters they didn’t hold much hope for making any sort of breakthrough as to why this shit keeps happening again and again, noting that their past efforts to achieve some sort of perspective certainly hadn’t made it any easier to wake up to news that dozens of men, women, and children were yet again savagely murdered in a public place by a bunch of fanatics convinced that the shit they were doing was somehow justified.

“You know, I could sit here my entire life trying to figure this shit out, and I probably still wouldn’t fully understand it,” said 57-year-old Patrice Gomis of Dakar, Senegal. “The thing is, maybe there isn’t anything to understand at all. Maybe this can’t even be comprehended, no matter how hard we try.”

“Well,” Gomis added, sighing, “I guess I’ll give it one more go.”

Reached for comment, government leaders from hundreds of nations expressed similar frustrations over their attempts to make sense of this fucking shit and come up with any realistic ways to prevent the same awful shit from happening in the future.

“The attacks in Brussels this morning were appalling, tragic, and utterly senseless, and our thoughts are with the victims and their families,” said U.N. secretary-general Ban Ki-moon at a press conference in New York City. “Seriously, what the fuck is even happening anymore? Why is the world like this? I’m the secretary-general of the goddamn United Nations and even I don’t understand this shit. Why would anyone ever do this?”

“If anyone has any ideas, please contact me right away,” he added, “because seriously, this is the last fucking time I put in any effort to figure this shit out.”

Despite making one more honest effort to comprehend the causes behind it, the worldwide populace sadly confirmed that they already fully understand that this shit will continue happening unabated for the foreseeable future.

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