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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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World Series Flyover Turns Out To Be Full-Scale Airstrike

BOSTON—Chaos and destruction marred the opening of the World Series when Air Force B-52 bombers scheduled to make a ceremonial flight over the stadium before the start of Game 1 instead executed a series of low-level carpet-bombing runs and dropped an estimated 500 tons of incendiary and high-explosive munitions, utterly destroying Boston's historic Fenway Park. "It was horrifying—I was expecting four or five planes, but they just kept coming over the right-field stands, and suddenly the sky was full of bombs," said Anthony DiSilva, a Boston fireman who was in attendance with his wife and two sons when the first wave of aircraft targeted the ballpark. "When they hit, the earth just convulsed… I saw gouts of fire erupt from the stands, watched the Sox dugout collapse like a kicked anthill, and then we were engulfed in sheets of flame. It's a miracle no one was hurt." The Air Force has issued an apology for the oversight and is sending disaster relief personnel to help the grounds crew prepare the park for Game 2.

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