World Series Overshadowed By Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement

Top Headlines

Sports

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Originality

World Series Overshadowed By Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement

ST. LOUIS—Thousands of baseball fans gathered in Busch Stadium Tuesday evening to watch as commissioner Bud Selig announced that Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association have tentatively agreed to an earth-shattering, amazing new multi-year collective-bargaining agreement, which has captured the imagination of fans young and old who have been waiting for this day since the last deal was signed in August 2002.

"Finally, I can say the words baseball fans across America have longed to hear…" Selig said to thunderous applause from the 50,000-plus in attendance. "In order to determine the amount of Major League Central Fund money to be reallocated from each contributing team, we will multiply their Net Local Revenue for the preceding three revenue-sharing years by a fraction, the numerator of which is the net transfer value of the Central Fund Component in that revenue year and the denominator of which is the sum of the means of each contributor's Net Local Revenue for the preceding three revenue-sharing years."

"And there's more good news where that came from," Selig added. "At 100 percent implementation, the net transfer value of the Central Fund Component shall be 41.066 percent of the net transfer value of the Base Plan in that revenue-sharing year!"

Game 3 of the World Series between the Cardinals and Tigers was postponed two and a half hours to allow the grounds crew time to clean Busch Stadium, dismantle the soundstage specially built for the labor-deal-unveiling event, and restore the field to playing condition following the boisterous post-announcement festivities and celebration.

News of the deal, which will be in place through 2011, has electrified the baseball world and reinvigorated a sport that has been struggling to win back fans ever since the players and the owners failed to agree upon a much-anticipated, much-hyped labor contract in 1994.

Fans in every major American city flooded the streets Saturday evening during the third inning of Game 1 upon hearing that the negotiations were successful, where they proudly waved signs containing portions of the "Outright Assignment To A Minor-League Club" section and chanted provisional clauses from Article XIII Part A regarding the newly established powers of the Safety and Health Advisory Committee.

"Woo! Application by a club to the commissioner to place a player on the disabled list shall be accompanied by a standard form of diagnosis!" said Tigers fan Matt Crowley, who along with hundreds of fans left Comerica Park in the fifth inning of Game 2 to get home in time to see the Outside The Lines episode that analyzes the slight alterations to the current daily meal and tip allowance a player receives on road games and travel days.

"Can you believe that players selected in the June amateur draft who are not college seniors now must sign with their club by August 15?! Awesome!" Crowley added.

Around the nation, fathers muted World Series broadcasts to read the changes in the salary-arbitration process to their sons, sharing precious baseball-legalese memories that will last a lifetime. College students in St. Louis and Detroit flocked to local sports-negotiation bars to meet fans of all different subsections of the document, standing shoulder-to-shoulder in crowded rooms to watch as large-screen monitors displayed portions of Article XXI concerning spring-training termination pay.

Even in freezing cold conditions, Yankees and Mets fans alike gathered in New York's Times Square with their backs to a video screen that was showing highlights of Game 4 to read scrolling text of the labor agreement on the digital marquee that runs along the side of Conde Nast Building.

"Never in my life did I think I'd be around to see a labor deal this un-fucking-believable, under which teams no longer receive draft-pick compensation when a Type C player—one who ranks in the upper 60 percent but not in the upper 50 percent of his respective position group—is offered arbitration but chooses free agency," said Cardinals fan Mark Blosserman, who sold his Game 5 tickets so he could more quietly and closely examine the 235-page document.

"Baseball is back!" he added.

The media, meanwhile, has ceased all speculation regarding the foreign substance on Kenny Rogers' hand in Game 2, instead turning their attention to the landmark labor agreement, which they are already calling the "greatest success story of the 2006 season."

"People are going to be talking about this heartwarming Cinderella story in which two rival sides come together to prevent a labor strike all offseason long, and perhaps for years to come" sportswriter Peter Gammons said. "They'll never forget the moment they read about deferred compensation, the cost-of-living adjustments for the minimum major-league salary, or the competitive-balance tax… It's understanding the many little intricacies of the game that makes the sport of baseball so enjoyable."