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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions may have emerged as the dominant October subplots, but ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons said Tuesday that another fascinating angle of the 2009 Fall Classic is a sub-subplot involving Hall of Famer Yogi Berra's brief drive through Philadelphia during a trip to Washington, D.C. in 1953. "It just goes to show you how much history these teams have," Gammons said on Baseball Tonight following a seven-minute segment detailing a wrong turn off I-95 by the former Yankees catcher. "Imagine, 56 years and four months to the day before CC Sabathia starts Game 1 of the World Series, Yogi Berra was actually in Philadelphia and may have passed by the Liberty Bell. I'm not saying the Series will come down to this, but it's definitely something to keep in mind." Gammons added that a sub-sub-subplot for fans to watch involves former Yankee Scott Brosius, who attended high school with Meryl Fornadel, aunt of Helen Fornadel, who was the principal of Canyon View Elementary School, which is in the same San Diego school district as the elementary school Cole Hamels attended.

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