adBlockCheck

World Surrenders To North Korea

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

World Surrenders To North Korea

Pyongyang, the capital city of Earth’s new rulers.
Pyongyang, the capital city of Earth’s new rulers.

PYONGYANG—Following reports earlier this morning that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully conducted its third nuclear test, sources confirmed that every nation on the planet has surrendered to the mighty East Asian dictatorship.

Less than 24 hours after news of North Korea’s detonation of an atomic bomb at a test site near the Chinese border, humbled representatives from around the globe gathered before the Supreme People’s Assembly in Pyongyang to concede defeat to North Korea and offer their services to Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and his indomitable empire.

“In the face of this immense show of military might, our choice has become clear: surrender now or be instantly annihilated,” U.S. President Barack Obama said as he joined United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and all other world leaders in kneeling and groveling before the Dear Leader. “At this point, we cannot resist the will of the North Korean dominion, nor would we want to. Our defeated nations and the people therein are hereby property of our Noble Leader, who henceforth may do with them as he wishes.”

“May the divinely ordained dynasty endure for 1,000 years!” Obama added.

The former U.S. Capitol building, now headquarters of the North Korean–American Workers’ Party.

According to sources worldwide, following the total and unyielding capitulation of Russia, China, South Korea, and the rest of Earth’s nearly 200 sovereignties to North Korea, the newly subjugated nations have already begun the process of relinquishing their governments, militaries, cultural identities, and media outlets to the all-powerful autocracy.

Additionally, sources confirmed the global surrender has been expedited through the immediate occupation of all centers of government by thousands of North Korean diplomats, who are overseeing the voluntary turnover of all property—including munitions, gold bullion, and food—to the People’s Republic, which in the future may dole them out to its recently acquired territories as it deems appropriate.

“The United States and the rest of the world looks forward to devoting its resources and manpower to the great cultural and political project of our new North Korean rulers,” said Obama, as halfway around the world a North Korean flag was raised above the newly relinquished U.S. Capitol building. “It is a shame that it took this latest nuclear test to reveal our foolhardiness in attempting to resist the will of the mighty North Korean empire. Our only hope is that the great People’s Republic will forgive our past arrogance and take pity on its poor subjects. Your might and power truly know no equal, Dear Leader.”

When reached for comment Tuesday, the Global Supreme Leader himself was less conciliatory.

“The surrender of North Korea’s global enemies was an inevitability that our adversaries were foolish to delay,” Kim said. “In the coming weeks, the world’s people will learn firsthand the dear price of their resistance.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Following the complete and utter surrender of the world’s inferior peoples to North Korea, The Onion would like to reaffirm its decades-long loyalty to the People’s Republic. As the Supreme Leader is no doubt aware, The Onion has secretly financed the Korean Workers’ Party since its inception, and we are proud at last to see the Powerful and Prosperous Nation take its rightful place. Long may North Korea reign, and death and dishonor to any who hope to oppose this mighty nation.

당신은 바보입니다

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close