PYONGYANG—Following reports earlier this morning that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully conducted its third nuclear test, sources confirmed that every nation on the planet has surrendered to the mighty East Asian dictatorship.
Less than 24 hours after news of North Korea’s detonation of an atomic bomb at a test site near the Chinese border, humbled representatives from around the globe gathered before the Supreme People’s Assembly in Pyongyang to concede defeat to North Korea and offer their services to Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and his indomitable empire.
“In the face of this immense show of military might, our choice has become clear: surrender now or be instantly annihilated,” U.S. President Barack Obama said as he joined United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and all other world leaders in kneeling and groveling before the Dear Leader. “At this point, we cannot resist the will of the North Korean dominion, nor would we want to. Our defeated nations and the people therein are hereby property of our Noble Leader, who henceforth may do with them as he wishes.”
“May the divinely ordained dynasty endure for 1,000 years!” Obama added.
According to sources worldwide, following the total and unyielding capitulation of Russia, China, South Korea, and the rest of Earth’s nearly 200 sovereignties to North Korea, the newly subjugated nations have already begun the process of relinquishing their governments, militaries, cultural identities, and media outlets to the all-powerful autocracy.
Additionally, sources confirmed the global surrender has been expedited through the immediate occupation of all centers of government by thousands of North Korean diplomats, who are overseeing the voluntary turnover of all property—including munitions, gold bullion, and food—to the People’s Republic, which in the future may dole them out to its recently acquired territories as it deems appropriate.
“The United States and the rest of the world looks forward to devoting its resources and manpower to the great cultural and political project of our new North Korean rulers,” said Obama, as halfway around the world a North Korean flag was raised above the newly relinquished U.S. Capitol building. “It is a shame that it took this latest nuclear test to reveal our foolhardiness in attempting to resist the will of the mighty North Korean empire. Our only hope is that the great People’s Republic will forgive our past arrogance and take pity on its poor subjects. Your might and power truly know no equal, Dear Leader.”
When reached for comment Tuesday, the Global Supreme Leader himself was less conciliatory.
“The surrender of North Korea’s global enemies was an inevitability that our adversaries were foolish to delay,” Kim said. “In the coming weeks, the world’s people will learn firsthand the dear price of their resistance.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Following the complete and utter surrender of the world’s inferior peoples to North Korea, The Onion would like to reaffirm its decades-long loyalty to the People’s Republic. As the Supreme Leader is no doubt aware, The Onion has secretly financed the Korean Workers’ Party since its inception, and we are proud at last to see the Powerful and Prosperous Nation take its rightful place. Long may North Korea reign, and death and dishonor to any who hope to oppose this mighty nation.