adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit

JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being torn apart by heavy artillery was cursed at by a passing motorist Tuesday for driving the posted speed limit. "Move it, you old fossil!" 32-year-old Brian Forsythe yelled at the man who charged into enemy fire to take out a machine-gun nest during the Allied invasion of Italy and was driving 65 miles an hour. "Get out of the fucking left lane!" The man, 85-year-old Carl Palmer, was on his way to the local VA hospital to receive the intensive weekly physical therapy that allows him to walk despite the chronic pain of a massive shrapnel wound he sustained 67 years ago.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close