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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit

JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being torn apart by heavy artillery was cursed at by a passing motorist Tuesday for driving the posted speed limit. "Move it, you old fossil!" 32-year-old Brian Forsythe yelled at the man who charged into enemy fire to take out a machine-gun nest during the Allied invasion of Italy and was driving 65 miles an hour. "Get out of the fucking left lane!" The man, 85-year-old Carl Palmer, was on his way to the local VA hospital to receive the intensive weekly physical therapy that allows him to walk despite the chronic pain of a massive shrapnel wound he sustained 67 years ago.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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