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Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
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World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German

EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German without legal repercussions. On Monday, the decorated soldier was granted his wish by the Senate Subcommittee on Defense Relations.

Above: World War II veteran Herman Porter, 87, who will soon get one more chance to kill a German. Inset: Porter during his days with the Air Force's legendary 53rd Tiger Squadron.

"This is the happiest day of my life," Porter said. "This is one Jerry who isn't getting away."

The killing will take place on September 20 in Porter's hometown of Emporia, as he is wheelchair-bound with Multiple Sclerosis and has been advised by his physician not to travel or over-exert himself.

Porter, who served from 1942-45 in the Air Force's legendary 53rd Tiger Squadron in the European theater, registered 11 kills during the war, but missed out on the fall of Berlin and the subsequent German surrender. Porter's plane was shot down over Frankfurt, and, though he was able to kill numerous German soldiers in hand-to-hand combat, he was injured during his flight to Allied lines. For more than 50 years, Porter has longed for the opportunity to kill another German, putting an exclamation point on what he considers to be the greatest war in U.S. history.

"It won't take much," Porter said. "Just one thrust of my bayonet."

According to subcommittee chair U.S. Sen. Dennis Rehberg (R-MT), the German selected for killing was initially supposed to be an actual German citizen, but fear of harming relations between the two countries "made such an option impossible." It was then decided that a randomly selected American citizen of German descent would serve as a replacement.

Jonathan Schmidt, a 32-year-old machine-tool operator from Milwaukee, was chosen to serve as the kill. While not a full-blooded German, Schmidt is the grandson of immigrants from Germany and retains the 25 percent German blood minimum to quality him for killing under federal law.

Schmidt, who attempted to flee the U.S. upon discovering his fate, was unavailable for comment, though he issued a release stating that his German ancestors were leaders in the resistance movement and helped shelter 250 Jewish families during the war's darkest hours.

But Schmidt's pleas were for naught: Captured by federal agents, Schmidt was taken to Emporia Tuesday for a practice run for the September 20 killing. After being given an authentic early-1940s-issue bayonet and WWII helmet courtesy of the U.S. Army, Porter was wheeled up to face Schmidt.

In front of a hushed audience of friends, relatives and neighbors, Porter said, "Die, you damned Jerry scum!" and feebly moved his bayonet toward Schmidt. The German-American struggled with the agents, who held him in place and tried to force him onto the weapon. Schmidt was not killed, but he did sustain a minor abrasion on his left knee.

Porter, overcome by heat exhaustion, was rushed to an area hospital. He will face Schmidt again upon his expected recovery.

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