adBlockCheck

World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out

TULSA, OK—After years of being appalled by the perfectly good items discarded by Tulsa residents, garbage collector Matt Ciszek, 34, reported Monday that he is "no longer shocked by anything."

The jaded, dispirited Ciszek.

"Used to be, I'd come across a new breadmaker still in the box, and I'd be floored that someone could be so wasteful," Ciszek told reporters Tuesday. "Now, I don't even flinch. I guess I'm just old."

Ciszek, who has worked for the Tulsa Department of Sanitation for nine years, said he has "seen it all in my time."

"You wouldn't believe the things I've hauled off," Ciszek said. "Fully functional air conditioners, entire record collections, VCRs, unopened boxes of cereal and canned goods, like-new chairs, desks with barely a scratch, stereo components, computers—you name it. I don't know how many pairs of shoes still in the box, never been worn, I've tossed in the back of the truck. I must have junked 50 miles of extension cords, and I'm guessing 95 percent of those still worked."

"Yes, in the beginning, I was stunned," said Ciszek, staring off into the distance. "But now, well, I'm numb to it. It's all just another load to toss in the back."

According to his wife, in the early days, Ciszek would come home fuming about the waste he witnessed on his run.

"Matt used to get so worked up," said Joan Ciszek, 34. "He'd say, 'You won't believe what I found today—an entire box of tools, with an electric drill and everything. Must've been at least $800 worth of stuff.' Nowadays, he doesn't even talk about work."

Even though the Department of Sanitation prohibits garbage collectors from taking discarded items for themselves, Ciszek said he used to pocket the occasional item.

"How could I not bend the rules a little?" Ciszek said. "It would've been a sin to let that 20-gallon aquarium tank go to the dump."

Years later, however, Ciszek rarely bothers bringing items home.

"There's still great stuff out there," Ciszek said. "I guess I just don't have the motivation to do it anymore. I've become jaded. If some guy is going to throw away an entire box of plastic hangers, only to buy a whole new batch of hangers as soon as he moves into his new place, who am I to stop him? I'm just one garbage man."

Ciszek estimated that it was about five years ago that he "stopped noticing."

"My job is to get the trash from people's homes to the dump," Ciszek said. "I can't get my job done if I'm always keeping one eye out for the good stuff. Besides, it's too painful to see a perfectly good set of wheel covers crushed right in front of my eyes."

As the years roll by, the waste is only getting worse, Ciszek said.

"Things I used to see only occasionally have now become the norm," he said. "Throwing the lights out because you're too damn lazy to take them off the Christmas tree, vases with the withered flowers, halogen lamps in need of a bulb—it's all common. See what I'm saying? This is why I had to stop caring."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close