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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out

TULSA, OK—After years of being appalled by the perfectly good items discarded by Tulsa residents, garbage collector Matt Ciszek, 34, reported Monday that he is "no longer shocked by anything."

The jaded, dispirited Ciszek.

"Used to be, I'd come across a new breadmaker still in the box, and I'd be floored that someone could be so wasteful," Ciszek told reporters Tuesday. "Now, I don't even flinch. I guess I'm just old."

Ciszek, who has worked for the Tulsa Department of Sanitation for nine years, said he has "seen it all in my time."

"You wouldn't believe the things I've hauled off," Ciszek said. "Fully functional air conditioners, entire record collections, VCRs, unopened boxes of cereal and canned goods, like-new chairs, desks with barely a scratch, stereo components, computers—you name it. I don't know how many pairs of shoes still in the box, never been worn, I've tossed in the back of the truck. I must have junked 50 miles of extension cords, and I'm guessing 95 percent of those still worked."

"Yes, in the beginning, I was stunned," said Ciszek, staring off into the distance. "But now, well, I'm numb to it. It's all just another load to toss in the back."

According to his wife, in the early days, Ciszek would come home fuming about the waste he witnessed on his run.

"Matt used to get so worked up," said Joan Ciszek, 34. "He'd say, 'You won't believe what I found today—an entire box of tools, with an electric drill and everything. Must've been at least $800 worth of stuff.' Nowadays, he doesn't even talk about work."

Even though the Department of Sanitation prohibits garbage collectors from taking discarded items for themselves, Ciszek said he used to pocket the occasional item.

"How could I not bend the rules a little?" Ciszek said. "It would've been a sin to let that 20-gallon aquarium tank go to the dump."

Years later, however, Ciszek rarely bothers bringing items home.

"There's still great stuff out there," Ciszek said. "I guess I just don't have the motivation to do it anymore. I've become jaded. If some guy is going to throw away an entire box of plastic hangers, only to buy a whole new batch of hangers as soon as he moves into his new place, who am I to stop him? I'm just one garbage man."

Ciszek estimated that it was about five years ago that he "stopped noticing."

"My job is to get the trash from people's homes to the dump," Ciszek said. "I can't get my job done if I'm always keeping one eye out for the good stuff. Besides, it's too painful to see a perfectly good set of wheel covers crushed right in front of my eyes."

As the years roll by, the waste is only getting worse, Ciszek said.

"Things I used to see only occasionally have now become the norm," he said. "Throwing the lights out because you're too damn lazy to take them off the Christmas tree, vases with the withered flowers, halogen lamps in need of a bulb—it's all common. See what I'm saying? This is why I had to stop caring."

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