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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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World-Weary Man Bitterly Rents Mercury Rising

BELLINGHAM, WA–Forced to choose a Saturday-evening entertainment option, exhausted consumer Glenn Waters bitterly rented the 1998 film Mercury Rising. "I suppose this will do," said the spiritually drained Waters, selecting the Bruce Willis action thriller from the "New Releases" section of a Bellingham-area Blockbuster Video. "The cars will explode, the bombs will be narrowly defused, and I will be entertained. I have little choice in the matter." In the past, Waters has bitterly chosen such entertainment options as Dr. Dolittle, The Rock, Veronica's Closet and Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing."

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