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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World-Weary Man Bitterly Rents Mercury Rising

BELLINGHAM, WA–Forced to choose a Saturday-evening entertainment option, exhausted consumer Glenn Waters bitterly rented the 1998 film Mercury Rising. "I suppose this will do," said the spiritually drained Waters, selecting the Bruce Willis action thriller from the "New Releases" section of a Bellingham-area Blockbuster Video. "The cars will explode, the bombs will be narrowly defused, and I will be entertained. I have little choice in the matter." In the past, Waters has bitterly chosen such entertainment options as Dr. Dolittle, The Rock, Veronica's Closet and Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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