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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World Wildlife Fund Donors Receive Refund After Western Black Rhino Goes Extinct

WASHINGTON—Expressing contrition over the organization’s failure to rescue the species from critical endangerment, the World Wildlife Fund reportedly reimbursed $7 million to approximately 11,000 donors this week following the confirmed extinction of the western black rhinoceros. “We regret to inform you that the WWF was not successful in its efforts to ensure the survival of the western black rhino, and in accordance with our nonprofit’s satisfaction policy, we have attached compensation in the full dollar amount of your charitable assistance,” read the letter mailed to thousands of WWF sponsors, which included a cashier’s check refunding all donations. “We are sorry; you expected and deserved a higher level of preservation from us. We may not have been able to preserve the black rhinoceros, but we hope to preserve your trust. We sincerely hope that this doesn’t affect your readiness to give to the World Wildlife Fund in the future.” The WWF also clarified that it is willing to exchange all magnets or tote bags bearing an image or silhouette of the extinct rhinoceros for another piece of comparable merchandise.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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