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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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World Wildlife Fund Donors Receive Refund After Western Black Rhino Goes Extinct

WASHINGTON—Expressing contrition over the organization’s failure to rescue the species from critical endangerment, the World Wildlife Fund reportedly reimbursed $7 million to approximately 11,000 donors this week following the confirmed extinction of the western black rhinoceros. “We regret to inform you that the WWF was not successful in its efforts to ensure the survival of the western black rhino, and in accordance with our nonprofit’s satisfaction policy, we have attached compensation in the full dollar amount of your charitable assistance,” read the letter mailed to thousands of WWF sponsors, which included a cashier’s check refunding all donations. “We are sorry; you expected and deserved a higher level of preservation from us. We may not have been able to preserve the black rhinoceros, but we hope to preserve your trust. We sincerely hope that this doesn’t affect your readiness to give to the World Wildlife Fund in the future.” The WWF also clarified that it is willing to exchange all magnets or tote bags bearing an image or silhouette of the extinct rhinoceros for another piece of comparable merchandise.

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