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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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World Wildlife Fund Donors Receive Refund After Western Black Rhino Goes Extinct

WASHINGTON—Expressing contrition over the organization’s failure to rescue the species from critical endangerment, the World Wildlife Fund reportedly reimbursed $7 million to approximately 11,000 donors this week following the confirmed extinction of the western black rhinoceros. “We regret to inform you that the WWF was not successful in its efforts to ensure the survival of the western black rhino, and in accordance with our nonprofit’s satisfaction policy, we have attached compensation in the full dollar amount of your charitable assistance,” read the letter mailed to thousands of WWF sponsors, which included a cashier’s check refunding all donations. “We are sorry; you expected and deserved a higher level of preservation from us. We may not have been able to preserve the black rhinoceros, but we hope to preserve your trust. We sincerely hope that this doesn’t affect your readiness to give to the World Wildlife Fund in the future.” The WWF also clarified that it is willing to exchange all magnets or tote bags bearing an image or silhouette of the extinct rhinoceros for another piece of comparable merchandise.

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