Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

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Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

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How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

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‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

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Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
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World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious

'They're Really Good, But We Shouldn't Be Saying That,' Says Spokesman

Representatives for the WWF say they regret claiming panda ears are delicious, but confirmed they indeed are.
Representatives for the WWF say they regret claiming panda ears are delicious, but confirmed they indeed are.

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—During a press conference outside their Swiss headquarters Thursday, World Wildlife Fund officials backpedaled from a controversial press statement released by the organization last week, claiming that while panda ears are in fact "absolutely delicious," the environmental protection group shouldn't have said so.

Various spokespersons for the WWF, widely acclaimed for its 50 years of international conservation work, told reporters the organization deeply regretted the statement—along with the subsequent tweet, Facebook post, and e-mail to supporters—in which they wrote, "The ears of an endangered giant panda taste phenomenal."

A new message was reportedly sent Thursday urging donors and subscribers to "ignore that last e-mail about how good panda ears taste, even though they are good and we're eating them right now, and we wish we wouldn't have written that or sent this without deleting that last part."

"We are truly sorry for publicly saying that panda ears are delicious and that they are a healthy, tasty snack," said WWF board chairman Paul Kinnaird, also apologizing for the extensive list of panda-ear recipes that were posted on the organization's website before being deleted, reposted with an apology, deleted, reposted, and then deleted again. "The fact of the matter is, panda ears are not delicious. Well, they are delicious, but we should really stop saying that."

"Whoops," Kinnaird added after a brief pause. "Obviously, this isn't quite how this was supposed to go."

The nearly three-hour-long press conference included numerous officials attempting to clarify one another's statements and make known the organization's belief that no one should ever eat any part of a panda "even if their ears do taste amazing braised, fried, steamed, or seared, and even if we did eat some last night for dinner and then put some leftover panda ears in an omelet for breakfast this morning."

According to sources, WWF officials then apologized for saying that too.

"What we're trying to say is that no one should eat any part of any endangered species, even if it is just an animal, because, ultimately, who really cares about animals, anyway?" said associate director of public relations Jessica Musgrove, who quickly added that she does care about animals, just not the ones that taste great, after which she reportedly mumbled "damn it" under her breath. "Cheetah shins are also delicious. Of course, this is also something I shouldn't have said in my official capacity, so please just forget I said anything about cheetah shins. But as long as we're on the topic, my God, cheetah shins paired with giraffe neck in a balsamic reduction? You absolutely have to try it."

"Don't do what I just said to do, though," Musgrove added. "We really do care about the environment."

Asked by reporters what measures the group planned on taking to rectify its recent missteps, vice president Charles Mackey said the organization's employees would stop munching on the fried panda ears that are constantly refilled in a jar marked "Fried Panda Ears: Take as many as you'd like" in the WWF office kitchen. In addition, he said the organization would immediately stop illegally funneling the substantial charitable donations its receives to hunting groups, animal testing labs, and underground dogfighting rings.

Mackey then wrote, ripped up, taped together, and presented a $300,000 check to the head of an illegal dogfighting ring, all while apologizing for doing so.

"We are committed to our mission of protecting animals and ending all threats to endangered species," Mackey said. "With that being said, we do go hunting from time to time as a group, but that's on our private time and probably something I shouldn't have said out loud. Also, it's more like poaching, really, since we only hunt for ivory and I shouldn't have said that in a press conference either. I also shouldn't say that we once pushed a seal out of a moving car but here goes: We did push some seals out of moving cars and it was enjoyable every time. You just wouldn't believe the sounds that come out of their little mouths when they hit the pavement and, my God, the way they roll! Fantastic. I didn't need to inform you of that last detail or any of that at all, actually, but I suppose it's too late now. Anyway, I still don't think I enjoyed that as much as pulling all the teeth out of an iguana's mouth, which is something I'm not going to describe further. That would definitely be a mistake. We could probably expand a little more on the World Wildlife Fund's affinity for chopping off lion heads with guillotines, but on second thought I'm not going to talk about how great and fun that is. Yeah, I'd say this organization has taken part in a fair share of animal abuse and, again, all of it was completely wrong and something we intend to stop immediately. We love nature and all animals even though our research team once injected a penguin with HIV and reintroduced him to a wild population, but to be fair, we only did that because it was funny. Obviously, it was in no way funny, but I did laugh a lot. I didn't want to laugh but I did laugh and that was another one of those things I shouldn't have told you guys. So, just to reiterate, we are truly committed to protecting each and every one of nature's fine creatures."

Added Mackey, "We gave a penguin AIDS."


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