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World's Greatest Athlete Forced Back Into Diamond Mine At Gunpoint

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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World's Greatest Athlete Forced Back Into Diamond Mine At Gunpoint

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—The best athlete in the world, 26-year-old Umaru Conteh, whose natural talents would earn him unimaginable fortune as a global star had he been born into a society with a leisure economy sufficient to support professional sports, was on Saturday marched back into the mine where he is forced to work by armed guards."Go!" the AK-47-wielding man screamed at Conteh, whose one-in-a-billion combination of unbelievably dense fast-twitch muscle, otherworldly eye-hand coordination, and lightning reflexes would enable him to excel in any sport, despite his never having tasted clean water during his two decades of shackled labor in a poorly lit mine. "Down the shaft! Now!" After working for 18 consecutive hours to extract a tiny engagement-ring stone for a twice-divorced Tampa, FL real estate agent, Conteh was transported back home to the slum where he will die years before his unsuspected athletic abilities have a chance to decline.

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