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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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World's Greatest Athlete Forced Back Into Diamond Mine At Gunpoint

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—The best athlete in the world, 26-year-old Umaru Conteh, whose natural talents would earn him unimaginable fortune as a global star had he been born into a society with a leisure economy sufficient to support professional sports, was on Saturday marched back into the mine where he is forced to work by armed guards."Go!" the AK-47-wielding man screamed at Conteh, whose one-in-a-billion combination of unbelievably dense fast-twitch muscle, otherworldly eye-hand coordination, and lightning reflexes would enable him to excel in any sport, despite his never having tasted clean water during his two decades of shackled labor in a poorly lit mine. "Down the shaft! Now!" After working for 18 consecutive hours to extract a tiny engagement-ring stone for a twice-divorced Tampa, FL real estate agent, Conteh was transported back home to the slum where he will die years before his unsuspected athletic abilities have a chance to decline.

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