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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—With the eyes of the entire world upon them, hundreds of the greatest soccer stars from across the globe have gathered in Brazil for what essentially amounts to a monthlong Coca-Cola ad, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This is a truly special event: the best players on the planet representing dozens of countries, all in one place to basically serve as Coca-Cola spokesmen,” said ESPN soccer analyst Taylor Twellman, adding that a host of international superstars will be participating in the highly anticipated monthlong promotional campaign in which they will have their faces plastered on Diet Coke billboards and appear in commercials juggling a Coke can before catching it with one hand and taking a sip. “Millions of excited fans can watch their favorite players unite on the world’s biggest stage and ultimately put on an elaborate four-week song and dance to sell a soft drink. And this incredible display of cross-branding only comes around every four years, so everyone can’t wait for it to finally get started.” Reached for comment, notable players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, and Andres Iniesta all unanimously told reporters “Open Happiness” in over 20 languages.

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