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World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—With the eyes of the entire world upon them, hundreds of the greatest soccer stars from across the globe have gathered in Brazil for what essentially amounts to a monthlong Coca-Cola ad, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This is a truly special event: the best players on the planet representing dozens of countries, all in one place to basically serve as Coca-Cola spokesmen,” said ESPN soccer analyst Taylor Twellman, adding that a host of international superstars will be participating in the highly anticipated monthlong promotional campaign in which they will have their faces plastered on Diet Coke billboards and appear in commercials juggling a Coke can before catching it with one hand and taking a sip. “Millions of excited fans can watch their favorite players unite on the world’s biggest stage and ultimately put on an elaborate four-week song and dance to sell a soft drink. And this incredible display of cross-branding only comes around every four years, so everyone can’t wait for it to finally get started.” Reached for comment, notable players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, and Andres Iniesta all unanimously told reporters “Open Happiness” in over 20 languages.

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