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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—With the eyes of the entire world upon them, hundreds of the greatest soccer stars from across the globe have gathered in Brazil for what essentially amounts to a monthlong Coca-Cola ad, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This is a truly special event: the best players on the planet representing dozens of countries, all in one place to basically serve as Coca-Cola spokesmen,” said ESPN soccer analyst Taylor Twellman, adding that a host of international superstars will be participating in the highly anticipated monthlong promotional campaign in which they will have their faces plastered on Diet Coke billboards and appear in commercials juggling a Coke can before catching it with one hand and taking a sip. “Millions of excited fans can watch their favorite players unite on the world’s biggest stage and ultimately put on an elaborate four-week song and dance to sell a soft drink. And this incredible display of cross-branding only comes around every four years, so everyone can’t wait for it to finally get started.” Reached for comment, notable players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, and Andres Iniesta all unanimously told reporters “Open Happiness” in over 20 languages.

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