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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off

RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora, called upon his colleagues to get it off, get it off, for Christ's sake during an academic conference Saturday. "Ahhhhh!" said Weber, citing an urgent need to please get a net or a plastic cup or something to remove it, and pointing toward evidence that it's about to go down his damn shirt and those creepy legs feel like little needles on his skin, Jesus fuck. "Hurry up! It's in my hair!" A three-hour interruption of the conference followed, with scheduled events continuing only after an ad hoc panel of entomology experts concluded it was probably just a housefly.

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