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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off

RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora, called upon his colleagues to get it off, get it off, for Christ's sake during an academic conference Saturday. "Ahhhhh!" said Weber, citing an urgent need to please get a net or a plastic cup or something to remove it, and pointing toward evidence that it's about to go down his damn shirt and those creepy legs feel like little needles on his skin, Jesus fuck. "Hurry up! It's in my hair!" A three-hour interruption of the conference followed, with scheduled events continuing only after an ad hoc panel of entomology experts concluded it was probably just a housefly.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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