World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off

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Vol 46 Issue 12

Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something

CLEVELAND—In a locker room interview prior to his game against the Sacramento Kings Sunday, Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas ruminated on his home country, guessing he might be from Romania or Croatia before finally concluding that he is probably from Turkey or someplace like that.

Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky e...

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium.

Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod

Alaska's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race is a 1,161-mile spectacle of human courage and canine fortitude, and the 2010 race was an exceptional example.

John Wall

This Kentucky Wildcats freshman phenom is a multitalented point guard who's already generating a lot of speculation about his pro future. Is he any good?
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off

RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora, called upon his colleagues to get it off, get it off, for Christ's sake during an academic conference Saturday. "Ahhhhh!" said Weber, citing an urgent need to please get a net or a plastic cup or something to remove it, and pointing toward evidence that it's about to go down his damn shirt and those creepy legs feel like little needles on his skin, Jesus fuck. "Hurry up! It's in my hair!" A three-hour interruption of the conference followed, with scheduled events continuing only after an ad hoc panel of entomology experts concluded it was probably just a housefly.

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