adBlockCheck

World’s Luminaries Crowd Around ‘Time’ 100 List Posted On Editor’s Door

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

World’s Luminaries Crowd Around ‘Time’ 100 List Posted On Editor’s Door

NEW YORK—Their hearts pounding, the world’s leading figures in politics, entertainment, business, and technology reportedly crowded around a sheet of paper tacked to Time managing editor Nancy Gibbs’ office door Thursday, in hopes of seeing their names on the magazine’s 100 Most Influential People list. “Oh my God, I made it!” shrieked Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen before sharing a tearful celebratory hug with actor Matthew McConaughey and Iranian president Hassan Rouhani, both of whom had also made the cut. “I just knew that if I gave it my all and kept the federal funds rate near zero, good things would happen. I’m still shaking!” At press time, an inconsolable Katie Couric was standing off to the side and talking to her mother on the phone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close