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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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World's Muslims Lighten Up

JERUSALEM—In the most significant Islamic ideological pronouncement since a 732 AD pledge to drive the Hebrews into the sea, the world's approximately 975,000,000 Muslims announced plans Monday to "lighten up a bit."

After centuries of strict fundamentalism, PLO leader Yasir Arafat and his fellow Muslims are finally taking things a little less seriously.

"For the past dozen centuries or so, perhaps we took things a little too seriously," Arab League president Ibn Raouf-Abdel said. "Yes, abstaining from strong drink and hiding women's faces from view and castrating blasphemers are all great. But isn't there more to life? What about flying a kite? Or swinging on a swing? Or cakes at birthday parties?"

The change of heart came as the result of an incident during a Sacred Sword of Righteousness rally Monday in Damascus, Syria. According to witnesses, as SSR leader Waleed bin Aziz mounted the steps leading to the stage, he tripped over his robe, causing him to lose his balance and fall face-first into an audience member's bowl of yogurt. At first, those in attendance held their breath and stifled their laughter for fear of execution. But then, bin Aziz stood up and, after a long pause, threw up his hands and erupted in laughter, breaking the tension and freeing up the crowd to do the same.

"You know," said Abdullah Sadiiq, who was at the rally, "we haven't all shared a good laugh like that for, oh, it must have been at least a good 1,500 years. And you know what? It felt great."

Within hours, word of the humorous episode had spread throughout the Arab world, inspiring hundreds of millions of people to adopt a more lighthearted, easygoing attitude.

Among the strict beliefs now being reconsidered as a result of the incident is the centuries-old Islamic dress code for women.

"Yes, woman was born to be servant to man," Beirut University professor Mahmoud bin-Gemayel said. "Absolutely. But do they have to wear those hot, uncomfortable black outfits with the face veils all the time? There must be some other way they could show men their subservience."

Changes were also evident in Kabul, Afghanistan, where extremist Taliban leaders have overhauled their strict penal code. For centuries, traditional law decreed that those caught stealing would have their hands cut off in the public square. In the future, however, thieves will merely be stripped nude, whipped, covered in dung and chased by dogs through the streets for several hours before being jailed.

"It never made much sense to cut off their hands, anyway," Taliban member Khalif al Tabbouk said. "After all, they can hardly be expected to earn a living through honest labor after their crime if they don't have any hands, right?"

Sultan Reza bin Yutil of Oman, said to be one of the world's richest men, showed his support for the new "lighten-up" approach by forcibly embracing a visitor, then turning to a group of his servants and clapping his hands, shouting, "Prepare a feast!"

"Everyone likes a nice feast," bin Aziz said.

Perhaps no one was more pleased by the lighten-up policy than author Salman Rushdie, whose death was called for by Islamic leaders in 1988 following the alleged blasphemy of his controversial book The Satanic Verses. Rushdie's death sentence was formally rescinded Monday by a coalition of Islamic leaders, who told him, "It was an honest mistake, just try not to do it again." To make it up to Rushdie, 16 Arab nations chipped in and bought him a pasta maker.

"Ideally, yes, we would still like to avenge history with the blood of our enemies," PLO leader Yasir Arafat said Tuesday during an appearance on Late Show With David Letterman. "But there has got to be a nicer, more reasonable way to do it."

Added Arafat: "By the way, have you read about what's been going on in China, Dave? They're executing suspected drug traffickers and banning student demonstrations. It's crazy over there."

Spokespersons for the world's fundamentalist Christians said that under no circumstances would they lighten up.

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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