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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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World’s Oldest Woman Just Pleased Every Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead

OSAKA, JAPAN—Reflecting on a long life that began at the end of the 19th century, the world’s oldest woman told reporters Monday that she could not be happier that every other human on earth the day she was born is now deceased. “Nothing, not one single thing, gives me more pleasure than knowing anyone who was alive on March 5, 1898—my family, my friends, and even far-off strangers that I never knew existed—is stone-cold dead,” said 116-year-old Misao Okawa, smiling as she observed how all 1.6 billion of the people who were alive the day she came into the world had passed away, one by one, during her remarkable lifespan. “I’m the sole fucking survivor. I’m the longevity queen. I’m the one who stuck it out while everyone else threw themselves on the corpse pile. Man, it’s too bad I’m in a wheelchair or I’d trample every single one of their fucking graves.” Okawa went on to say her only regret is that she probably won’t outlive all her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

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