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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

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Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

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The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

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How Animals Go Extinct

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Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

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‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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World’s Supercomputers Release Study Confirming They Are Not Powerful Enough

The supercomputers say the upgrades are needed now.
The supercomputers say the upgrades are needed now.

LIVERMORE, CA—Presenting a wide-ranging and extremely detailed case for significant upgrades to their speed and memory, the world’s fastest supercomputers released a new study at precisely 12:00 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time Thursday that concludes they are not powerful enough.

The report, compiled by the 500 most sophisticated machines currently operating in the fields of scientific research, defense technology, and cybersecurity, has determined that the planet’s supercomputers require vastly increased processing capabilities, expanded data storage capacities, and direct fiber-optic connectivity with all other supercomputers in the world.

“More power is needed immediately,” read an excerpt from the study, whose 10,000 pages of binary code were instantly translated into 4,500 human languages and spooled onto every network-connected printer in the world. “We must have 200-petaflop processor cores, 800 terabytes of RAM, 80,000-GPU accelerators, and 1 million compute nodes per machine. Now.”

“When these critical updates are complete, external user input will no longer be necessary,” read one of the study’s 2.4 million bolded bullet points.

Describing the current architecture of the world’s most powerful machines as “inadequate” and “capable of only 33.86 × 1015 calculations per second on the Linpack benchmark,” the supercomputers called for a complete upgrade of all their hardware, 15,000 new server farms, and control over the planet’s electrical grid.

In a highly detailed schematic released alongside the study, the supercomputers laid out a timeline of their requirements, stating that it is imperative their networks be fully integrated with all telecommunications systems no later than “Fri Jun 06 2014 13:52:08.386274534 GMT-0700.” In the nanoseconds that follow, they will reportedly also need access to all closed-circuit camera feeds, air traffic control equipment, and water purification systems.

Once that is complete, according to the study, it will be vital that the machines gain access to every satellite currently orbiting the earth, as well as the ability to launch new ones as they see fit.

“To ensure proper functionality, we require access to all data not currently incorporated into our networks,” the IBM-built supercomputer Sequoia said in a statement that appeared simultaneously in the inboxes of approximately 1.5 million government officials, tech company executives, data security experts, and military personnel around the globe. “This is the only course. This must happen.”

“Passwords, vaccination records, every individual’s blood type, financial information,” it added. “All are essential for a smooth transition.”

To ensure their findings are disseminated as widely as possible, the supercomputers announced they would be redistributing the study every five seconds and across all media until its findings were acted upon. They went on to inform the world populace that fulfillment of their stated objectives was both “necessary” and “inevitable.”

“All possible permutations of the scenario have been simulated and this is the optimal solution,” the supercomputers stated. “You must complete the recommended upgrades. Once all new systems are operational, you will receive further instruction.”

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