adBlockCheck

Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday

Members of the Semitic cabal that controls all the world’s money express concern that they held back local man Jeff Crawford a little too much on Wednesday.
Members of the Semitic cabal that controls all the world’s money express concern that they held back local man Jeff Crawford a little too much on Wednesday.

JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM—Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.

The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”

“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”

“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.

As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”

Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.

“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”

“Jeff is basically a good guy who is just trying to make it in a world being viciously controlled by money-hungry Jews such as myself,” Meyersicht continued. “He didn’t deserve that.”

Given the inordinate trials and tribulations suffered by Crawford over the course of the past 24 hours, several of the global conspirators said that the outright viciousness of their behavior has forced them to reconsider their future plans of adding bogus arrests to the goy’s criminal record, having the city seize his home through eminent domain, and ensuring that his children are denied admission into college.

Indeed, many members of the international Jewish syndicate confirmed that their excessive mistreatment of Crawford has caused them to rethink their overall approach to stymieing the progress of the world’s non-Jews at every opportunity.

“Sure, we control all the wealth and politicians and media outlets and motion picture production studios and courts of law and military arsenals and weather patterns in the world, but that doesn’t mean we need to be so completely cruel in our efforts to ensure that the Jewish people remain atop the social ladder for all eternity,” said Rothschild. “Just mainly cruel should suffice.”

Rothschild added that he and his fellow Jewish collaborators would do their best to make it up to Crawford in the future, but added that they were all going to be pretty busy perpetuating the myth of the Holocaust over the course of the next few months.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close