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Content From 2011-05-03

Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today.

Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use

Company Says Car's Tires Can Be Upgraded For Shag Carpeting

AUBURN HILLS, MI—In a press event at its corporate headquarters Tuesday, Big Three automaker Chrysler unveiled a new entry into its vehicle lineup known as the Reside, a midsized, five-passenger sedan designed exclusively for in-home driving. Accor...

Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save

NEW YORK—Following Mariano Rivera's second consecutive blown save Sunday, coaches and executives led the11-time All Star and World Series MVP into an office, slammed the door shut, and reamed him out for several minutes, team sources reported.

Man Raised By Parents Struggling To Adjust To Human Society

MINNEAPOLIS—Two years after his discovery by a team of developmental psychologists, David Sullivan, a man raised by a pair of mated parents, is still struggling to adapt to normal human society, sources confirmed Friday. According to researchers at...

Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search

Due to budget cutbacks, the radio telescope arrays at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute have been shut down since Apr. 15. What do you think?
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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