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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
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Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in an encounter with friendly forces outside the Iraqi city of Baquba last month, Marine Lance Cpl. Carver Jefferson says being shot by one's own forces only increases the pain. "When you catch a bullet, it hurts, naturally," said Jefferson, who is not allowed to reveal the details of what happened at the checkpoint he and 13 other Marines were guarding when they came under fire from an Army reconnaissance squad.  "But when you're shot by a fellow American, it hurts on the inside. More, I mean." Jefferson said that Pat Tillman, the former NFL player turned Army Ranger killed in a friendly-fire incident in 2004, surely suffered a shot to the heart when his own men shot him repeatedly in the head and abdomen.

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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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