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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in an encounter with friendly forces outside the Iraqi city of Baquba last month, Marine Lance Cpl. Carver Jefferson says being shot by one's own forces only increases the pain. "When you catch a bullet, it hurts, naturally," said Jefferson, who is not allowed to reveal the details of what happened at the checkpoint he and 13 other Marines were guarding when they came under fire from an Army reconnaissance squad.  "But when you're shot by a fellow American, it hurts on the inside. More, I mean." Jefferson said that Pat Tillman, the former NFL player turned Army Ranger killed in a friendly-fire incident in 2004, surely suffered a shot to the heart when his own men shot him repeatedly in the head and abdomen.

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