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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in an encounter with friendly forces outside the Iraqi city of Baquba last month, Marine Lance Cpl. Carver Jefferson says being shot by one's own forces only increases the pain. "When you catch a bullet, it hurts, naturally," said Jefferson, who is not allowed to reveal the details of what happened at the checkpoint he and 13 other Marines were guarding when they came under fire from an Army reconnaissance squad.  "But when you're shot by a fellow American, it hurts on the inside. More, I mean." Jefferson said that Pat Tillman, the former NFL player turned Army Ranger killed in a friendly-fire incident in 2004, surely suffered a shot to the heart when his own men shot him repeatedly in the head and abdomen.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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