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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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WrestleMania 29 Marred By Inconsistent Officiating

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following the conclusion of WrestleMania 29, professional wrestling fans confirmed Sunday that the pay-per-view event was spoiled due to the erratic officiating work of the referee crew. “I know these guys have a lot on their plates, but the number of missed calls I saw was just ridiculous,” said viewer Calvin Overstreet, who expressed frustration with the World Wrestling Entertainment officials' inconsistent enforcement of the rulebook, “nonchalant” three-counts, and tendency to allow themselves to be distracted from the matches by various WWE divas perched on the ring apron. “At one point, Brock Lesnar hit Triple H with a steel folding chair and the ref didn't do a thing about it. Even if he was still disoriented from getting suplexed into the announcer’s table, he could have gone to the replay booth and gotten the call right. Unbelievable.” At press time, the WWE had reviewed the officiating at WrestleMania 29 as well as other events, and announced plans to vacate every single match result for the last 60 years.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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