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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Wrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome Distraction

CHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from the Chicago Cubs stressed Monday that the state-of-the-art screen will provide fans with a much-needed distraction from the team itself. “We will always do our utmost to retain the historic feel of America’s oldest ballpark, but the Jumbotron will give fans something to watch and actually enjoy during Cubs games,” said team owner Tom Ricketts, adding that the 5,700-square-foot screen, which would not obstruct the iconic center-field scoreboard, will show commercials, clips of television shows, and broadcasts of other baseball games from around the country. “Games can last over three hours, so we need to offer spectators something that will keep them entertained and take their minds off of whatever is happening on the field. Trust me, these people need this.” Reached for comment, Cubs manager Dale Sveum enthusiastically backed plans for the Jumbotron, telling reporters he is looking forward to finally having a good reason to attend home games.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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