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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Wrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome Distraction

CHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from the Chicago Cubs stressed Monday that the state-of-the-art screen will provide fans with a much-needed distraction from the team itself. “We will always do our utmost to retain the historic feel of America’s oldest ballpark, but the Jumbotron will give fans something to watch and actually enjoy during Cubs games,” said team owner Tom Ricketts, adding that the 5,700-square-foot screen, which would not obstruct the iconic center-field scoreboard, will show commercials, clips of television shows, and broadcasts of other baseball games from around the country. “Games can last over three hours, so we need to offer spectators something that will keep them entertained and take their minds off of whatever is happening on the field. Trust me, these people need this.” Reached for comment, Cubs manager Dale Sveum enthusiastically backed plans for the Jumbotron, telling reporters he is looking forward to finally having a good reason to attend home games.

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