adBlockCheck

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

Top Headlines

Sports

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal troughs. “Urinating on the famed ivy has been a cherished, time-honored tradition throughout Wrigley’s 100-year history, but we must adapt to changing times,” said team spokesman Julian Green, explaining that a much-needed overhaul of the stadium’s outdated bathroom facilities, which have long ranked last in the Major Leagues, necessitates the dismantling of the vines. “We're aiming to provide a top-quality restroom for our fans, and the unfortunate reality is that maintaining and manicuring the ivy, a process which most people don’t realize takes place before nearly every home game, comes at an enormous cost to the organization. While we will certainly miss the sight of the wet leaves glimmering in the light, we believe this is the right move for the team and our fans.” Green added that after the removal process, the Cubs will raffle off the used ivy-covered urinal cakes from the 2014 season in an effort to raise proceeds for the local Chicago Boys and Girls Club.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close