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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Wrigley Field Renovation Proposal Includes Tearing Down Clubhouse, Bleachers, Upper Deck, Lower Deck, Building New Stadium 10 Miles North

CHICAGO—Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts unveiled a $500 million Wrigley Field renovation proposal Thursday that includes demolishing the clubhouse, bleachers, upper deck, lower deck, as well as building a new stadium 10 miles north of the soon to be razed ballpark. “It’s going to be the same Wrigley Field that Chicago fans love, but it will have more space, new corporate boxes, new high-definition video boards, a new location, and a brand-new name,” said Ricketts, adding that the plan to modernize the revered Wrigley Field by tearing down outmoded features and constructing a new ballpark in the suburb of Evanston will be respectful to the stadium’s rich history and maintain its iconic status. “I’m very confident that these renovations will be enjoyed by our new roster, management, and fanbase.” Ricketts assured reporters that the refurbished outfield wall at Wrigley Field will still feature a 5-foot section of ivy.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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