Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday.
CUMBERLAND, WI—Small-business owner and colorful local character Dan "Daffy" Duckson's write-in campaign was defeated by a nearly eight-to-one margin in the Cumberland mayoral campaign Tuesday, completely undoing Duckson's strategy of assuming a wide support base among his many friends. "Everyone in Cumberland knows me—they wave at me from their trucks, they ask me to make their sandwiches special at the shop because I know how they like them, and when I asked if they'd vote for me, almost all of them said 'sure,'" Duckson said. "I thought I was a shoo-in for this. Maybe I should've put a bigger sign in the shop window." Re-elected incumbent Mayor Harold Truesdell congratulated Duckson on a good, clean, and transparent campaign.