The Department of Health and Human Services released their long-awaited report clarifying that nearly every death is directly linked to our Heavenly Lord needing our deceased love ones up in Heaven.
CUMBERLAND, WI—Small-business owner and colorful local character Dan "Daffy" Duckson's write-in campaign was defeated by a nearly eight-to-one margin in the Cumberland mayoral campaign Tuesday, completely undoing Duckson's strategy of assuming a wide support base among his many friends. "Everyone in Cumberland knows me—they wave at me from their trucks, they ask me to make their sandwiches special at the shop because I know how they like them, and when I asked if they'd vote for me, almost all of them said 'sure,'" Duckson said. "I thought I was a shoo-in for this. Maybe I should've put a bigger sign in the shop window." Re-elected incumbent Mayor Harold Truesdell congratulated Duckson on a good, clean, and transparent campaign.