HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.
CUMBERLAND, WI—Small-business owner and colorful local character Dan "Daffy" Duckson's write-in campaign was defeated by a nearly eight-to-one margin in the Cumberland mayoral campaign Tuesday, completely undoing Duckson's strategy of assuming a wide support base among his many friends. "Everyone in Cumberland knows me—they wave at me from their trucks, they ask me to make their sandwiches special at the shop because I know how they like them, and when I asked if they'd vote for me, almost all of them said 'sure,'" Duckson said. "I thought I was a shoo-in for this. Maybe I should've put a bigger sign in the shop window." Re-elected incumbent Mayor Harold Truesdell congratulated Duckson on a good, clean, and transparent campaign.