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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Writer Unwilling To Admit His Screenplay Perfect Fit For Justin Long

LOS ANGELES—Screenwriter Jeff Haynes has refused to admit that actor Justin Long would be perfect to play video game tester Pete Knowles in his new film Change Of Plans, sources confirmed Saturday. "I think this is a role someone like Leonardo DiCaprio could really sink his teeth into," said Haynes, who knows deep down that Justin Long's easygoing, boyish charm would make him ideal for the part. "We need an experienced actor who is convincing as a romantic lead, but also someone who can just cut-up and be funny." When asked if he had ever considered the possibility of Long playing the character described in his screenplay as "5-foot-8.5-inches tall, with wide eyes, bushy eyebrows, and a charismatic smile," Haynes said he hadn't, but would be okay with producers bringing the actor in for a cold read "just to see."

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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