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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Writer Unwilling To Admit His Screenplay Perfect Fit For Justin Long

LOS ANGELES—Screenwriter Jeff Haynes has refused to admit that actor Justin Long would be perfect to play video game tester Pete Knowles in his new film Change Of Plans, sources confirmed Saturday. "I think this is a role someone like Leonardo DiCaprio could really sink his teeth into," said Haynes, who knows deep down that Justin Long's easygoing, boyish charm would make him ideal for the part. "We need an experienced actor who is convincing as a romantic lead, but also someone who can just cut-up and be funny." When asked if he had ever considered the possibility of Long playing the character described in his screenplay as "5-foot-8.5-inches tall, with wide eyes, bushy eyebrows, and a charismatic smile," Haynes said he hadn't, but would be okay with producers bringing the actor in for a cold read "just to see."

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