adBlockCheck

Wrongly Imprisoned Man Won't Shut Up About It

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Wrongly Imprisoned Man Won't Shut Up About It

JOLIET, IL—George Howard Buell, an inmate wrongfully imprisoned at Stateville Correctional Center for third-degree sexual assault and aggravated battery, won't shut the hell up about being innocent.

George Buell

Buell, 46, an Elmhurst, IL electrician, was convicted of raping and burglarizing his elderly neighbor in 1994, despite the fact that he was at work when the crime occurred. He was mistakenly sentenced to a prison term of 20 years to life. Since then, his imprisonment has been a source of nonstop bellyaching.

"I'm completely innocent of the charges brought against me," Buell said in yet another long-winded jailhouse statement last week. "I am a victim of inept police work, conflict-of-interest issues among the prosecution, and a lackadaisical defense. Anyone with even a peripheral familiarity with my case could see the inconsistencies. It's a complete miscarriage of justice."

Buell's insufferable tirades have taken the form of numerous appeals to state and federal courts, unsuccessful attempts to launch public petitions, and e-publishing a 400,000-word autobiography titled Won't Someone Please Hear My Anguished Plea?

"Okay, I get it—he's innocent already," said Eric Holsapple, Buell's court-appointed attorney. "Like I don't know that. I only toiled for, like, forever years making a case out of it. Every time I talk to him, I have to brace myself—okay, here comes the sob story, again."

After spending four years trying to capture the media's attention with the story of his innocence, the wrongfully imprisoned inmate began pestering the courts in 2001 for additional DNA testing or a declaration of a mistrial.

"I will take a lie-detector test. I will do anything. I don't belong in prison," the incessant motormouth said. "The security tape in the garage where I work shows me pulling into the lot at the time the crime took place. It wasn't admitted as evidence. That fact alone should be grounds for a mistrial."

Buell's cellmate, Bob Hannan, has heard the "in jail for a crime I didn't commit" song and dance "about a million times." Said Hannan: "The parking lot surveillance videotape, the horrible injustice. I've heard it all. A lot. I didn't like the way they handled my case either. But you don't hear me yammering about it all the time. It's called moving on."

[pagebreak]

The consortium of attorneys and social-justice activists who were unlucky enough to have been assigned the task of getting Buell and his big, wrongfully imprisoned mouth out of jail have gotten perhaps the biggest earful of his whining.

Darron and Eugene Buell speak to reporters after dragging themselves to yet another prison visit to hear their brother go on and on about his innocence.

Tania Schultz, a senior staff attorney at Northwestern University's Center On Wrongful Convictions, has worked on Buell's case for over two years. Although she is convinced that Buell is innocent, she is "fed up" with the subject.

"Even the unjustly incarcerated should do other things in prison, like lift weights, or knit," Schultz said. "Sadly, securing his freedom seems to be George's sole interest in life. He's obsessed with getting his life back."

Added Schultz: "All the time, it's 'free me' this, 'free me' that. Me, me, me, me, me."

Buell's brother Darron, who visited the prisoner last Friday, reported afterward that Buell "did most of the talking."

"No prizes guessing what he was talking about," Darron added.

Buell's sob story will be heard by the Illinois State Supreme Court during its next term.

"I can't wait. Since being incarcerated, my innocence is all I have to cling to in this horrible, horrible place," said Buell, echoing comments that he has made to anyone who's had the misfortune of being in contact with him at any time during the past decade. "This goes beyond my worst nightmares of anything I could imagine ever happening to me, and I hope the justice system finally does something—anything—to free me from this living nightmare."

"I just wish he'd shut his trap about it," attorney Holsapple said. "I'm working on his appeal. That's more than most prisoners get. But is he satisfied? No. All he cares about is getting out of jail. I'm like, 'George, get a life.'"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close