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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris

STAMFORD, CT—In an effort to bring the City of Light to Orlando’s Camping World Stadium, WWE officials announced Friday that this weekend’s WrestleMania 33 will be themed “Springtime in Paris.”

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, dressed in a Breton striped shirt and velvet beret, told a gathering of reporters that Sunday evening’s pay-per-view professional wrestling event would be a celebration of the timeless beauty of the Parisian terraces and boulevards in April. McMahon confirmed that the match card would feature the Raw Universal Championship and the Smackdown WWE Championship set in a magnificent sea of pastels teeming with the scent of cherry blossoms in full bloom.

“Come Sunday, all eyes will be on the WWE as we bring you a night of blood, sweat, and Parisian charm,” said McMahon, adding that the flagship event would transport its 100,000 spectators to the banks of the River Seine as they take in more than 13 matches, including a Fatal 4-Way elimination. “This will be an unforgettable event packed with some of the baddest men and women in all of professional wrestling surrounded by the grand splendor of the French capital.”

“It will be simply the most magnificent evening in the history of the WWE,” added McMahon.

According to the design plans released by the WWE, the event boasts a specially designed ring with turnbuckles hung from Eiffel Tower replicas and a canvas mat painted with Claude Monet’s Water Lily Pond. Sources also confirmed that the organization had constructed a 20-foot-tall Notre Dame Cathedral on the arena floor to begin each wrestling match with the ringing from its bell tower.

WWE officials confirmed hundreds of flowers have been flown in directly from Paris to line the aisles of the arena and that special vendors throughout the concourses would provide fresh baguettes and glasses of Cabernet to the audience. McMahon also said he was personally excited about seeing Orlando’s Camping World Stadium illuminated by the beautiful warm glow of hundreds of cast-iron gas lamps installed for the evening.

The chairman also teased that viewers will not want to miss what Triple H might do to Seth Rollins with any of the candlelit bistro tables and chairs encircling the ring.

“Tomorrow night I am going to unleash all hell on Kevin Owens, and there will be nowhere in the arena’s hedge maze where he can hide,” said wrestler Chris Jericho, adding that, in a tribute to the haute cuisine of Paris, he has been developing a move known as the Cheese Wheel. “This will be an ass-whooping not seen since the French Revolution.”

McMahon also hinted that the event would be even more spectacular than WrestleMania 17: The Great Gatsby, when a record-setting number of viewers tuned in to watch Stone Cold Steve Austin, clad in pearls and a feather headband, defeat The Rock by slamming the WWE champion over the back with an upright bass.

Noting the immense budget required for this year’s performance, WWE officials told reporters that the entire evening is even expected to surpass the cost of the 2008 event, which required the construction of a 30-foot wooden ship to host the two dozen nightgown-clad Battle Royal participants of WrestleMania 24: Finding Neverland.

The WWE chairman, who promised that WrestleMania 33 would deliver several surprise guests and unexpected twists, refused to either confirm or deny rumors that Cesaro and Sheamus would ride a tandem bike through a replica of the Arc de Triomphe and down an elm-tree-lined Champs-Élysées ramp to enter the Raw Tag Team Championship match.

McMahon also declined to elaborate after mentioning that the participants of the Battle Royal might be joined by “The Hunchback.”

Qui vivra verra,” said McMahon.

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