X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

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Vol 36 Issue 03

Office Politician Runs For Coffee

DENVER–In a move his critics are decrying as "a bald-faced ploy to get in good with the secretarial pool," Conroy Plastics & Polymers office politician John Mancuso announced Monday his intention to run for coffee. "Okay, coffee time... who's up for a little hot java?" asked Mancuso during a 10 a.m. breakroom speech. "Make a list, and I'd be happy to swing by Starbucks and pick it up." Upon learning that he would be picking up 14 cups, Mancuso named co-worker Andrew Sveum his running mate.

Local Homemaker Fights To Overcome Rubbermaid™ Addiction

ELGIN, IL–Members of the Schiller family reported Monday that homemaker Caryn Schiller, 43, is struggling with a severe Rubbermaid™ addiction. "We scheduled a family intervention after she bought a 1.2-quart "EZ-Topps™" Rectangle for potato-chip storage," husband Frank Schiller said. "She broke down and admitted she has a problem. It's in God's hands now." In 1999, Schiller spent more than $1,400 supporting her Rubbermaid™ habit.

Coworker Obsessively Checks E-Mail Every Couple Of Minutes

ARLINGTON, TX–According to adjacent-cubicle sources, Midwest Insurance employee Benjamin Vance checks his e-mail every two minutes. "That little 'ping' noise is driving me up the friggin' wall," co-worker Irene Snow said. "It's like this sick obsession with him. Does he have nothing else to do but check e-mail all day long? It's not like he ever gets any, either. He just has to constantly check." Added Snow: "Jesus."

Roommate's Boyfriend Drinking Yet Another Can Of Soda

SANTA CRUZ, CA–According to University of California–Santa Cruz sophomore Jessica Lenzi, the new boyfriend of roommate Andrea Bloch is drinking yet another can of soda from the fridge. "Does he, like, think those are communal sodas or something? Because they're not." Lenzi said. "Just because soda doesn't cost a lot of money doesn't mean it's free." Lenzi said that if that guy takes one more soda from the fridge, she swears she's going to say something.

The War In Chechnya

During last week's State Of The Union Address, President Clinton called upon Russia to pull out of Chechnya, where, for the past six months, war has raged between Russia and a band of Chechen rebels. What do you think about this worsening international crisis?
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X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

EUGENE, OR–Mounting evidence in the murder case of Roy Bannister, the 27-year-old X-Files fan whose body was found beaten beyond recognition in his home Sunday, strongly suggests that he was killed for "knowing too much" about the long-running Fox series, investigators said Tuesday.

Murdered <I>X-Files </I>fan Troy Bannister at a July 1999 science-fiction convention.

"He knew everything about that show–who was conspiring with whom, where the bodies were buried, the latest top-secret plot developments–everything," said detective Nathan Tillinghast of the Eugene police department. "And he was willing to spill his guts to the first sucker who asked him. It was practically all he ever talked about. All the evidence we've collected points to someone wanting to shut him up."

The victim's friends agreed.

"Roy would get started on Scully's alien implant, or the Cancer Man's paternal fascination with Mulder, and he'd just talk about it for hours," said Albert Hashimoto, the night manager of the 7-11 convenience store where Bannister was last seen alive. "Finally, I had to tell him, 'Look, Roy, I'm your friend, but if you keep talking about this show constantly, somebody's gonna want to kill you."

Roy's sister, Julia Bannister, said she pleaded with him repeatedly to give up his dangerous obsession before it was too late.

"If I told him once, I told him a million times: 'Roy, shut the hell up about the goddamn stupid X-Files. It's just not cool. And it's not even all that popular anymore," Julia told police. "But he wouldn't keep quiet, and now somebody's silenced him for good."

"Roy would corner people at parties and just totally go off on all this sci-fi stuff," said close friend Rob Settles, who was "deeply disturbed" by Bannister's insistence that aliens, working closely with secret factions deep within the U.S. government, were the most important thing on television. "We were always afraid that one day he'd talk to the wrong person. And he did."

"There's no doubt that Roy knew a lot more about The X-Files than was healthy for a person," said Tillinghast, who now faces the grim task of sifting through more than 150 separate pieces of X-Files-related evidence from Bannister's efficiency apartment, including videotaped episodes, fanzines, magazine articles, and nitpicker's guides to all eight seasons. "Believe me when I say there's information in that apartment that no man should know."

Police are still without a prime suspect, estimating that it will take months to go through the long list of people who may have had an interest in keeping Bannister quiet.

"At this point, we've narrowed it down to everyone who'd ever talked to him for more than five minutes," Tillinghast said. "But since there have been no follow-up crimes, I guess we can at least breathe a little easier and assume that whatever Bannister knew died with him. Thank God."

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