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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

EUGENE, OR–Mounting evidence in the murder case of Roy Bannister, the 27-year-old X-Files fan whose body was found beaten beyond recognition in his home Sunday, strongly suggests that he was killed for "knowing too much" about the long-running Fox series, investigators said Tuesday.

Murdered <I>X-Files </I>fan Troy Bannister at a July 1999 science-fiction convention.

"He knew everything about that show–who was conspiring with whom, where the bodies were buried, the latest top-secret plot developments–everything," said detective Nathan Tillinghast of the Eugene police department. "And he was willing to spill his guts to the first sucker who asked him. It was practically all he ever talked about. All the evidence we've collected points to someone wanting to shut him up."

The victim's friends agreed.

"Roy would get started on Scully's alien implant, or the Cancer Man's paternal fascination with Mulder, and he'd just talk about it for hours," said Albert Hashimoto, the night manager of the 7-11 convenience store where Bannister was last seen alive. "Finally, I had to tell him, 'Look, Roy, I'm your friend, but if you keep talking about this show constantly, somebody's gonna want to kill you."

Roy's sister, Julia Bannister, said she pleaded with him repeatedly to give up his dangerous obsession before it was too late.

"If I told him once, I told him a million times: 'Roy, shut the hell up about the goddamn stupid X-Files. It's just not cool. And it's not even all that popular anymore," Julia told police. "But he wouldn't keep quiet, and now somebody's silenced him for good."

"Roy would corner people at parties and just totally go off on all this sci-fi stuff," said close friend Rob Settles, who was "deeply disturbed" by Bannister's insistence that aliens, working closely with secret factions deep within the U.S. government, were the most important thing on television. "We were always afraid that one day he'd talk to the wrong person. And he did."

"There's no doubt that Roy knew a lot more about The X-Files than was healthy for a person," said Tillinghast, who now faces the grim task of sifting through more than 150 separate pieces of X-Files-related evidence from Bannister's efficiency apartment, including videotaped episodes, fanzines, magazine articles, and nitpicker's guides to all eight seasons. "Believe me when I say there's information in that apartment that no man should know."

Police are still without a prime suspect, estimating that it will take months to go through the long list of people who may have had an interest in keeping Bannister quiet.

"At this point, we've narrowed it down to everyone who'd ever talked to him for more than five minutes," Tillinghast said. "But since there have been no follow-up crimes, I guess we can at least breathe a little easier and assume that whatever Bannister knew died with him. Thank God."

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