adBlockCheck

X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

EUGENE, OR–Mounting evidence in the murder case of Roy Bannister, the 27-year-old X-Files fan whose body was found beaten beyond recognition in his home Sunday, strongly suggests that he was killed for "knowing too much" about the long-running Fox series, investigators said Tuesday.

Murdered <I>X-Files </I>fan Troy Bannister at a July 1999 science-fiction convention.

"He knew everything about that show–who was conspiring with whom, where the bodies were buried, the latest top-secret plot developments–everything," said detective Nathan Tillinghast of the Eugene police department. "And he was willing to spill his guts to the first sucker who asked him. It was practically all he ever talked about. All the evidence we've collected points to someone wanting to shut him up."

The victim's friends agreed.

"Roy would get started on Scully's alien implant, or the Cancer Man's paternal fascination with Mulder, and he'd just talk about it for hours," said Albert Hashimoto, the night manager of the 7-11 convenience store where Bannister was last seen alive. "Finally, I had to tell him, 'Look, Roy, I'm your friend, but if you keep talking about this show constantly, somebody's gonna want to kill you."

Roy's sister, Julia Bannister, said she pleaded with him repeatedly to give up his dangerous obsession before it was too late.

"If I told him once, I told him a million times: 'Roy, shut the hell up about the goddamn stupid X-Files. It's just not cool. And it's not even all that popular anymore," Julia told police. "But he wouldn't keep quiet, and now somebody's silenced him for good."

"Roy would corner people at parties and just totally go off on all this sci-fi stuff," said close friend Rob Settles, who was "deeply disturbed" by Bannister's insistence that aliens, working closely with secret factions deep within the U.S. government, were the most important thing on television. "We were always afraid that one day he'd talk to the wrong person. And he did."

"There's no doubt that Roy knew a lot more about The X-Files than was healthy for a person," said Tillinghast, who now faces the grim task of sifting through more than 150 separate pieces of X-Files-related evidence from Bannister's efficiency apartment, including videotaped episodes, fanzines, magazine articles, and nitpicker's guides to all eight seasons. "Believe me when I say there's information in that apartment that no man should know."

Police are still without a prime suspect, estimating that it will take months to go through the long list of people who may have had an interest in keeping Bannister quiet.

"At this point, we've narrowed it down to everyone who'd ever talked to him for more than five minutes," Tillinghast said. "But since there have been no follow-up crimes, I guess we can at least breathe a little easier and assume that whatever Bannister knew died with him. Thank God."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close