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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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X Games Perused To See If That Kid With The Skateboard From High School Is In It

TUALATIN, OR—Twenty-seven-year-old local resident Tom Portwood reportedly watched the X Games for nearly a half-hour Saturday, curious to see if that kid who skateboarded in high school was now participating in any of the events. “I think his name was Jake Baggenstoff, and I remember he was pretty good even when we were freshmen,” Portwood told reporters, recalling that Baggenstoff had been featured in a couple skating videos for sale at Zumiez and definitely had a sponsor at some point. “I saw him in a picture with Tony Hawk once. I’m not sure if they were skating against each other or Jake was just a fan, but who knows?” Although Portwood did not see Baggenstoff, he was fairly certain the guy who won third place in BMX Freestyle Big Air was the kid from one town over who always wrapped his bicycle in electrical tape.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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