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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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X Games To Reconsider Hurtling Men 40 Feet Into Air Atop 500-Pound Machines

ASPEN, CO—Following the death of Caleb Moore January 31 at the Winter X Games, officials announced Monday they are reconsidering events that involve hurtling competitors 40 feet in the air atop 500-pound machines. “We’ve always insisted on the highest safety standards of events requiring participants to propel a quarter-ton all-terrain machine into the air, flipping and spinning around at 50 miles per hour,” said Scott Guglielmino, ESPN’s senior VP of programming and global X events, adding that all the potential risks of the freestyle snowmobiling event that killed Moore were sufficiently considered before condoning it as a sane thing to encourage people to attempt on national television. “The fact is, we can’t stop these athletes from pushing new boundaries within these sports. That’s their choice. We just put it on television during primetime and promote it.” Early reports indicate that freestyle snowmobiling may be removed from future Winter X Games, with the leading candidate to replace it being an event that challenges athletes to drive a gasoline-soaked tractor through a flaming loop-the-loop.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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