X Games To Reconsider Hurtling Men 40 Feet Into Air Atop 500-Pound Machines

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

X Games To Reconsider Hurtling Men 40 Feet Into Air Atop 500-Pound Machines

ASPEN, CO—Following the death of Caleb Moore January 31 at the Winter X Games, officials announced Monday they are reconsidering events that involve hurtling competitors 40 feet in the air atop 500-pound machines. “We’ve always insisted on the highest safety standards of events requiring participants to propel a quarter-ton all-terrain machine into the air, flipping and spinning around at 50 miles per hour,” said Scott Guglielmino, ESPN’s senior VP of programming and global X events, adding that all the potential risks of the freestyle snowmobiling event that killed Moore were sufficiently considered before condoning it as a sane thing to encourage people to attempt on national television. “The fact is, we can’t stop these athletes from pushing new boundaries within these sports. That’s their choice. We just put it on television during primetime and promote it.” Early reports indicate that freestyle snowmobiling may be removed from future Winter X Games, with the leading candidate to replace it being an event that challenges athletes to drive a gasoline-soaked tractor through a flaming loop-the-loop.

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