Y2K Survival Tips

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Vol 35 Issue 46

Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy of "Transitions," the 1999 Evansville West High School yearbook, EWHS sources reported Monday. "I am so totally bumming," Franklin said. "Who would do something like that to Paulette? She's, like, the biggest sweetie I know." The primary suspect in the attack is Jenny Logan, who, as everyone in school knows, has a huge crush on Jeff Lowe, Conreid's boyfriend.

Broncos, Jaguars Helmets Sustain Severe Damage In Monday Night Football Helmet Collision

JACKSONVILLE, FL—A pair of NFL helmets were severely damaged Monday in an explosive head-on collision during a broadcast of ABC's Monday Night Football. "We are still reconstructing the incident, searching for any clue as to what could have gone wrong," Monday Night Football play-by-play announcer Al Michaels said of the catastrophe, which occurred minutes before kickoff and was seen live by an estimated 17 million television viewers. "The helmets were securely chained to their respective space-platforms by four safety tethers, and there was no reason to suspect they would be able to break free." Witnesses said the chained helmets, which directly faced each other on their platforms, seemed increasingly angry and agitated in the moments leading up to the disaster.

Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China

TOPEKA, KS—During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S. citizens were made in Communist China. "These shoddy, Asian-looking, 'knock-off' Americans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents," the Reform Party presidential hopeful told VFW members. "Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-the-U.S.A. Americans." Buchanan added that if he wins the presidency, he would impose stiff tariffs against U.S.-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Americans to their nation of origin.

The Mars Polar Lander

On Dec. 7, NASA mysteriously lost all contact with the $165 million Mars Polar Lander. Among the leading theories as to what went wrong:

I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

Man Of The Millennium: Death

[image:29982]As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many have achieved greatness, yet one individual towers above all others as the most significant single force of the last thousand years. Whether in war or peace, feast or famine, prosperity or economic ruin, the Man Of The Millennium has touched all our lives. No one has had a greater, more permanent impact on our shared human condition.

Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Y2K Survival Tips

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:

  • Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person.
  • Memorize Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" now, so you can continue to enjoy it after there are no radio stations.
  • Learn a valuable skill, such as masonry, woodcutting or trench-digging. These trades will be much sought-after in the coming Empire Of The Beast-King.
  • Stock up on Hostess Fruit Pies. This may not keep you alive for long, but while it does... oh, baby.
  • Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the end comes.
  • Learn basic survival skills... the Tae-Bo® way.
  • Develop the ability to convert sunlight into energy using the chlorophyll in your body.
  • Build yourself a moonshine still. Actually, this is a good idea almost any time.
  • Integrate yourself into sewer-based C.H.U.D. tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon.
  • Don't stand close to a computer at midnight on New Year's Eve. It may emit showers of sparks and say, "Error... Error," in a mechanical monotone.
  • When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner and pleasant telephone voice.
  • In charge of a fringe church or militia? This may be the big break you've been waiting for.
  • When defending your food piles, remember to aim for the center of the face.
  • Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium.
  • If disaster strikes, it's God's wrath--quote the Old Testament. But if nothing happens, God is merciful--quote the New Testament.
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