adBlockCheck

Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Y2K Survival Tips

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:

  • Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person.
  • Memorize Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" now, so you can continue to enjoy it after there are no radio stations.
  • Learn a valuable skill, such as masonry, woodcutting or trench-digging. These trades will be much sought-after in the coming Empire Of The Beast-King.
  • Stock up on Hostess Fruit Pies. This may not keep you alive for long, but while it does... oh, baby.
  • Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the end comes.
  • Learn basic survival skills... the Tae-Bo® way.
  • Develop the ability to convert sunlight into energy using the chlorophyll in your body.
  • Build yourself a moonshine still. Actually, this is a good idea almost any time.
  • Integrate yourself into sewer-based C.H.U.D. tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon.
  • Don't stand close to a computer at midnight on New Year's Eve. It may emit showers of sparks and say, "Error... Error," in a mechanical monotone.
  • When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner and pleasant telephone voice.
  • In charge of a fringe church or militia? This may be the big break you've been waiting for.
  • When defending your food piles, remember to aim for the center of the face.
  • Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium.
  • If disaster strikes, it's God's wrath--quote the Old Testament. But if nothing happens, God is merciful--quote the New Testament.

More from this section

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close