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Tips

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips

Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Y2K Survival Tips

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:

  • Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person.
  • Memorize Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" now, so you can continue to enjoy it after there are no radio stations.
  • Learn a valuable skill, such as masonry, woodcutting or trench-digging. These trades will be much sought-after in the coming Empire Of The Beast-King.
  • Stock up on Hostess Fruit Pies. This may not keep you alive for long, but while it does... oh, baby.
  • Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the end comes.
  • Learn basic survival skills... the Tae-Bo® way.
  • Develop the ability to convert sunlight into energy using the chlorophyll in your body.
  • Build yourself a moonshine still. Actually, this is a good idea almost any time.
  • Integrate yourself into sewer-based C.H.U.D. tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon.
  • Don't stand close to a computer at midnight on New Year's Eve. It may emit showers of sparks and say, "Error... Error," in a mechanical monotone.
  • When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner and pleasant telephone voice.
  • In charge of a fringe church or militia? This may be the big break you've been waiting for.
  • When defending your food piles, remember to aim for the center of the face.
  • Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium.
  • If disaster strikes, it's God's wrath--quote the Old Testament. But if nothing happens, God is merciful--quote the New Testament.

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