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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Yacht Club Regatta Marred By Tragic Undergrilling of Mahi Mahi

NEWPORT, RI—Eighteen people were disappointed and six left badly unsatiated Saturday when guests at the Newport Yacht Club's annual Harborside Regatta were served mahi mahi that one patron described as "still a little pink inside."

The Newport Yacht Club's "otherwise smashing" annual regatta was ruined by some mahi mahi described by guests as "a little pink inside."

"It was most certainly not the best dolphin I've ever had," said shipbuilder J. Bradford Hunt, 51, of the undergrilled seafood dish, which was served near the conclusion of what another club member termed "an otherwise smashing regatta."

"I make no excuses," said club president Latrobe P. Chatterton IV at a hastily announced press conference yesterday. "Ultimately, the responsibility lies with me. I am submitting my resignation to the Board of Trustees, effective noon tomorrow, but I will continue to monitor the situation closely from my villa in Majorca."

Chatterton's wife Lydia was among the most seriously disappointed by the mahi mahi. Immediately after the meal, she was rushed by private jet to the Mojave Spa in Palm Springs, CA, where she was treated with mineral-rich natural mud baths. A spokesman for the spa described her prognosis as "hopeful."

The annual Harborside Regatta, which has long been one of the most important events on the Yacht Club's summer social calendar, was attended this year by more than 300 moguls, tycoons, dowagers, magnates and scions.

Chatterton described the Regatta-ending dinner "as a chance for the yachtsmen and -women to unwind from their day's rigors in a comfortable, casual atmosphere among their social peers." But at some point between the saffron, pork and caramelized-leek soup and the honey-glazed passionfruit sorbet, "something went terribly wrong."

"I could tell right away," said Amanda Worthingford-Wells, 25. "All the fresh basil and sun-dried tomatoes in the world couldn't mask it. I tried to tell Daddy, but he had already taken a forkful and was knitting his brow in haughty chagrin... it was awful."

"It was a lovely day," recalled Blythe Harrison, 73, a matriarch of the Boston Harrisons. "We passed the time taking in the sea air and chatting, although some of the more sporting gentlemen engaged in competitive races that quite thrilled us all... We had only come to idle purposelessly. Then this happened."

This is not the first disaster to strike the Newport Yacht Club in recent years. A 1991 breakdown of the club-to-harbor jitney inconvenienced over 75 people, and in 1993, a fire killed a shoe-shine boy, leaving club members' loafers scuffed for six days.

Although the Yacht Club was open for members today, many stayed away. "I think there's a certain stigma attached now," explained one member."Also, today's the Pawtucket Dog Show."

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